Do I dare hope?

It was 2 months before the fertility specialist could see us. Although my wife found this frustrating, it gave me a chance to recover. Plus it gave us time to read up on some of the options. Having my father donate appeared to be the best option for the both of us. Adoption and donor sperm from a stranger, are not for me. Every time someone would mistakenly compare the kids features to mine, would feel like a kick in the gut. Issues like do you tell the kid the truth, or questions about why the kid doesn’t look like me, these things just bother me. I know it’s irrational. I wish I was a stronger person to rise above this, but I’m not. On the one hand I know I would try my hardest to love and care for the child and raise it as my own. But there is this nagging feeling of uncertainty. Will I love him/her, or will I secretly resent him/her? Of course my every desire would be to love the child. But I’m not going to kid myself, I just do not know the answer to that question. For me, those options are off the table.

The other option we are considering is In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). But what we are reading says the costs are around $20,000 dollars. I make a decent living, but crunching the numbers don’t look good. Our insurance doesn’t cover it, so although I could afford to have the child, there would be no money left to raise the child. And we are not even sure if it would be possible with my 2 swimmers.

We meet with the specialist. A very nice man. Seems to be on the quiet side, much like myself. He goes through the list of options for us and the pros and cons of each. I bring up the subject of using my father as a donor. He explains that it is an option, but federal law requires donor sperm to be frozen for 6 months before it can be used to be sure it doesn’t have HIV or hepatitis. If we were using sperm from a complete stranger, I’m in complete support. But in this case, that is just stupid. So an unmarried couple wants to have a kid through sex, no problem. Unmarried couple needs assistance through IVF or other means, 6 month quarantine. So the federal government is forcing an unmarried couple wanting to have kids to either 1. get married, or 2. wait the 6 months. Where I’m sure they have been having sex throughout the 6 months. In my opinion, that’s just stupid.

But then the doctor directs us to a process called Intracytoplasmic sperm injection (ICSI). Where they take a single sperm and inject it directly into an egg. Used in conjunction with IVF this would allow my sperm to be used regardless of the very low quantity I am producing.

Cautiously I ask, “How much?”

As it so happens, this clinic’s prices are reasonable and something we may actually be able to afford. We have lots to discuss. Hoping the tax return is a good one this year. But I must be careful. There is still a chance this may not work. But do I dare hope? Yes, how can one not?

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