Monthly Archives: September 2012
Heart Stealing Bandit
Beware of this dangerous criminal. He is wanted for stealing the hearts of men, women and children. His weapons of choice…puppy dog eyes and fluffy floppy ears! Be on the lookout, or you may be his next victim. He has stolen the hearts of the kind elderly couple next door, and the parents of his owners hundreds of miles away. No one is safe!!!
He has been known to serenade the wives of other men. Sometimes he sings for them, other times he plays them the squeaky toy. All fall under his spell.
Wanted for several successful escapes from his enclosure while the owners are away at work, only to be found relaxing on the couch.
He knows all he must do is look into your eyes and he is off the hook. Being forgiven for the most nefarious offenses such as relieving himself indoors, chewing on the new couch, and gnawing on daddy’s sandals.
He tricks women into feeling sorry for him through daring actions, such as, jumping off the couch headfirst into the coffee table. Another common ploy is falling off bed/couch while sleeping. Do not be fooled by these attempts to open your heart!
He finds enjoyment helping his owners around the house by getting in their way. Your feet are not so you can walk, they exist only for him to curl up against while cleaning the toilet/washing dishes/making dinner.
He goes by the name “Bandit” and that tells you all you need to know. A few known aliases are “Stinker”, “Cutie Patootie”, “Sweetie” and “Pups”.
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Meet the newest member of the family. This little guy is half Cocker Spaniel and half Maltese and all cuteness. Just look at that face. He is missing his Momma and siblings at the moment.
We are trying to make him feel at home so the wife played some of her relaxation music and he fell fast asleep. Still trying to figure out what to name him. “Bandit” is the front runner at the moment. He is definitely bringing a smile to our faces. 😀
The sadness has given way to numbness. I’m not sure if that is progress or not. The few bright spots this week were the BFP’s of other IF travelers. My heartfelt congratulations to all of them! 🙂
But for us right now it feels like purgatory until our Why The Fail/What The Fuck (WTF) meeting on October 4th. We’ve had an offer from family to pay for the next attempt and we are considering the offer. The idea of putting someone else in debt and still end up with nothing is leaving a knot in my stomach. While we would like to try again…knowing the emotional toll this cycle took on us it isn’t something we are looking forward too. Much less get excited about. I mainly want to find out if the Doctor learned anything from this cycle they feel they can improve on with another cycle. We will then talk it over and make sure the family understands the risks before committing to another attempt.
In other news my sister and her boyfriend are coming to visit on Monday and we are going to Universal Studios to celebrate her Birthday. We are looking forward to spending time with family since we live several hours away from both our families. Should be fun.
We are also looking for a puppy. The wife has been busy searching while I’ve been getting everything squared away with the Landlord. I think it will be a good distraction if we do try for another IVF cycle, so I caved and said yes. So look forward to that announcement soon.
I’ve also had some further musings about the moon. I’m putting together a post about that to keep my mind occupied. Saturday I’ll be properly half-ass researching this one.
Sorry for the jumbled mess of a post, but that’s sort of what this feels like right now. Stuck in no-mans-land with nowhere to go. All we can do is try to stay busy while waiting. At least this wait doesn’t have the anxiety the 2ww did.
Dear Ivfmale, Semen Meringue?
It’s Wednesday and time for Dear Ivfmale. Several interesting searches this week so let’s see what we have…
— kids playing “sex doctor” with each other
Go to your favorite search engine and type in “help with pedophile thoughts” and call the first doctor on this list in your area. Seriously, get some help.
—hcg doesn’t work for sperm now what
I’m glad you asked. First you get to pay off the inflated price of all those HCG drugs thanks to those folks using it to lose weight. Next depending on how low your count is the doctors may try collecting several samples to combine into a super sample inserted into your wife using an IUI procedure. Otherwise they are probably going to recommend IVF with the ICSI procedure if your count is as low as mine. Personally I would go for the IVF first and go for the cheaper options later when the bank account forces that on you. I would hate for my best option to be out of my price range when I would have been able to afford it several attempts prior. Unless insurance will help cover those other procedures then by all means go for those IUI’s or Natural IVF’s then.
—english woman &man how love each
This one broke my heart a little. It was on a slow day and this popped up on my report the same time I saw someone from Pakistan had viewed my blog. I believe love is a universal human emotion that transcends class, race and culture. It’s a word with many facets covering all the different forms of love. If you want a truly english perspective of love, watch the movie “Love Actually” if it is available to you. If you are looking for a better relationship with your husband, try searching for “How english women manipulate men.” Trick your husband into treating you better may allow for more communication between the two of you. From there you can work on building a loving relationship. Throughout history there have been many powerful women in male dominated societies. That power starts with learning how to manipulate men without them knowing it, so I would recommend starting there.
—meringue from semen
I know meringue with egg whites is formed by whipping air into the protein molecules of the egg whites. As you whip the whites the protein molecules lock together trapping the air inside forming the meringue. Adding sugar will add strength to these bonds preventing it from falling flat. Now fats have the opposite effect on these bonds allowing the air to escape. Which is why breaking a yolk into the egg whites makes it near impossible to get a nice fluffy meringue. I do know the spermatozoa contains fat it uses for energy needed for the journey to the egg. So if you are having problems with making meringue from semen you might try finding someone with a very low sperm count. What…you’re inviting me to dinner? Thanks but I couldn’t…pie for dessert you say. Sounds delicious but really no thanks. I just started my diet 2 minutes ago. I’m so sorry.
—why is my bladder in sync with bathroom cleaning schedule
Alright fine. This wasn’t on my search engine report. But I sure would like to know why every day the urge calls and I walk over to a bathroom closed for cleaning.
Infertility and Faith
Let me preface this by saying I am not mocking anyone for having faith in the Lord and that is not the intent of this post. I grew up going to Church every Sunday with my Parents, Grandparents, or Aunt, and sometimes even by myself on the bus from my Church for kids who wanted to go and the parents didn’t for whatever reason. As I grew older I grew distant from the Church. There were even times in my life I’ve flat-out rejected religion. However, I’ve settled on believing a relationship with the Lord is important for many people, but I can’t look at the Bible and not see a book written by men with all the mistakes men make.
I tell you this so you understand the background I’m coming from for what I’m about to write. When people say they are praying for us, my wife and I are truly touched. For someone to take the time in their relationship with the Lord to think about us means a lot. I feel the same for those who simply say they are thinking of us and find comfort in those words. Many thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart.
But for the ones who’ve said (paraphrasing), “Have faith and the Lord will bless you if he wills it,” those words cut deeper than any blade ever could. To claim that our faith or lack of it is the reason we don’t have kids, while we watch others lie, cheat, and steal for drugs, then get pregnant and end up just aborting it. It’s asinine and downright cruel to say that to an infertile person.
Let’s take a brief look at the Bible regarding the infertility story of Abram and Sarai. (If you want the full story, read the Bible or click the link)
God told Abram (age 75) to take his wife Sarai (age 65) and nephew Lot to Canaan. The group travels to Egypt first where Abram tells Sarai to lie and tell the Pharaoh that Abram is her brother. Once the Pharaoh looked upon his beautiful wife, the Pharaoh would likely kill Abram to take Sarai, so this lie prevented Sarai from watching Abram die. The Pharaoh took Sarai into his service thinking she wasn’t wed. God then afflicted the Pharaoh’s household with great plagues, realizing Sarai and Abram were married and demanded they leave.
After living in Canaan for ten years with no kids, Sarai told Abram to take as a mistress her servant Hagar in the hopes she may give him children. At the age of 86 Abram becomes a father to Ishmael from Hagar. Hagar no longer respects Sarai and Sarai is jealous of Hagar being able to provide Abram with a child.
When Abram is 99, God blessed Abram as “Abraham, a father of many nations” and his wife now called “Sarah.” Sarah overhears a visitor telling Abraham how Sarah will have a child upon his return the next year, to which Sarah laughs at the idea of having a kid at 89. A year later Abraham (age 100) and Sarah (age 90) gives birth to Isaac. Sarah dies at the age of 127. Abraham takes another wife, pumps out a few more kids and dies at the age of 175.
It’s a lovely story, but there is no way a 65-year-old woman is so hot a Pharaoh would kill to have her. They didn’t even have Botox for crying out loud. And don’t give me that stupid explanation that people lived longer in those days. The ages just don’t add up.
- Leave Ur: Abram 75, Sarai 65
- Ishmael birth: Abram 86, Sarai 76
- Isaac birth: Abraham 100, Sarah 90
- Death: Abraham 175, Sarah 127
Maybe they just calculated years differently in those days and no one bothered to adjust the ages in these texts when those measurements were changed. Now I’m just talking out loud and I certainly haven’t done the research to support this claim. But I know the Babylonians were the first ones to start charting the moon. I also know how the ancients civilizations love the number 7. I asked myself, what if they considered a year to be 7 moon cycles in those times. Leaving me with the formula:
Modern age = (Biblical Age * 29 days * 7 cycles) / 365 days per year
Now lets look at those ages using the calculation above.
- Leave Ur: Abram 41, Sarai 36
- Ishmael birth: Abram 47, Sarai 42
- Isaac birth: Abraham 55, Sarah 50
- Death: Abraham 97, Sarah 70
Which makes more sense? A Pharaoh willing to kill over a hot 65-year-old woman or a 36-year-old one? That a woman was surprised to be giving birth at the age of 90, or 50? That Abraham lived to the old age of 175 or the age of 97?
The same is true about Sarah’s infertility. If Sarah was alive today she would go through a number of tests and doctors would know what the problem is. Statistically her chances were lower than normal, but still possible. I just don’t see God saying now you’re good enough to have kids with your wife when Abraham had no problem with other woman. I see a man excited that his wife was finally pregnant and recorded history in the context of his understanding at the time.
Now take a look at this chart.
If I’m lucky, I’m putting out a dozen sperm in each ejaculate. I can’t zoom in close enough to point out how little chance I have to conceive naturally. The next time someone tells me to “Have faith, and the Lord will bless me if he wills it,” don’t be surprised if my response is “Have $15,000 to give me, because that is what it is going to take for God to even have a chance of willing it”
You know what I thank God for? I thank God that he made scientists smart enough to figure out how fertility works. That we no longer live in an age where the woman is always at fault for infertility as was the case for thousands of years. I don’t have to look at my wife wondering why we aren’t having kids, that I know exactly why.
The night before we got the results for our blood test, I prayed. I prayed like I haven’t done since I was a kid. I prayed that God bring comfort to my wife if the IVF didn’t work. I’m not sure why I prayed for that, it just felt like the right thing to pray for.
(Edit: Upon actually doing some research I realized I should be using 29, not 28 in my calculation.)
© copyright 2011-2012
I have dreamed a dream…
but now that dream is gone from me. – Morpheus
A Dream Lost
By Matthew Wanner
Oh how I have dreamed,
for years allowed to grow.
A face, a smile, a love,
that one day I would know.
Choices have been pondered,
to make this world your own.
The name, rules, and school,
to mold until you’ve grown.
Lessons carefully collected,
to help along the way.
Requirement that is no more,
on the shelf they’ll forever stay.
Facing challenges with earnest,
a journey filled with strife.
Hoping to grant one gift,
the precious gift of life.
Alas the battle was lost,
this dream must be set free.
Leaving me only to grieve,
the person you will never be.
Farewell my sweet dream,
for I can no longer view.
A new one must be found,
a dream without you.
Fork in the road
The last few days have been really difficult. The battle of emotion has a winner and the victor is fear. You have no idea how hard it is for me even to admit I’m afraid. It is not an emotion guys talk about unless it relates to a funny story we are telling, or a lesson to learn from it. For men, fear is something you overcome and move on, not an emotion you dwell on during or after the fact.
The only reason I’m even admitting my fear is my commitment to making this blog an honest representation of my feelings. I generally try to find the humor in life. If you have read this blog from the beginning you will notice I don’t shy away from the story just because there is nothing humorous to be said. There was nothing funny about the day the Urologist told me modern medicine couldn’t fix my severe male factor infertility. Nor the day we found out none of the 4 embryos we didn’t transfer were able to be frozen. And right now there is nothing funny about the fear I am feeling regarding this test to see if my wife is actually pregnant. Had the doctor’s been able to freeze a couple of embryos, that would have been a safety net for us. But that safety net was taken down, leaving us with nothing to keep the fear at bay. The reality is this will be our one and only chance at having a child that is mine.
To pass the time we’ve been doing some more autumn decorating. Despite my poor drawing ability, I’m happy with how the pumpkin fireplace turned out.
But there is still the fork in the road ahead of us. Every plan for the future rests on the result of this test. Making every conversation have two answers. One if we are pregnant, the other if we are not. With every 2 part answer the fear I’m feeling is growing stronger and stronger. The embryo is now 11dp3dt, long enough that any pregnancy should be detectable with a First Response Early Result test. But we will have to keep giving her the progesterone shots until we have the blood test on Monday. If the FRER comes back negative, it will be very hard to continue those shots.
I’m left contemplating which is the braver course. Do I face the fear and have her take a home test now? Knowing we would still need to do the PIO shots with a negative result. Is it chicken to want to delay facing this result for a few more days? Am I looking at this completely wrong and the reverse is true? That the easy route is to find out now, and the braver action would be dealing with this fear a few more days. I don’t know the answer and I don’t think there is a universally correct one. I just know there is an individual answer for the two of us. An answer that keeps changing on me as the minutes tick by.
As we come close to a possible end of our journey, I know you are all pulling for us and the wife and I are truly grateful for your support. But there is a real possibility the IVF didnt’ work and I wanted to prepare my friends and family following this blog on how to respond if that turns out to be the case. As I was considering what to say to someone in our situation, I came across this post from Life Without Baby that says exactly what I was planning to write, and better than I ever could.
I’m not saying everyone has to call us crying. Just avoid the platitudes and be sincere is all we’re asking.
There are numerous examples of what NOT to say to someone who is dealing with infertility. What can be more difficult is to describe what TO say or do when someone you love is going through the experience.
The most appropriate and comforting response I have received came from my younger sister, Katie. We were conversing on the phone one night, and the topic glided over to my problems with conceiving. My husband and I had been going to a fertility clinic. We had been trying for a while, but to no avail. Due to my age, IVF was the most logical next step, but not an option for us.
With a lump in my throat, I told my sister that I had reached a point where I felt like I now had to come to terms with the fact that I was never going to have…
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Dear Ivfmale, The good news and bad news
Well it is Wednesday and time for Dear Ivfmale. I’m afraid I have some bad news. My nifty search engine report contained no new search requests that I haven’t answered already. Just more people looking for sex doctors and male torture. The good news however is there’s no way that’s going to prohibit me from being helpful anyway. So to help my infertile brethren, I’m listing the pros and cons of Severe Male Factor Infertility.
|You have Male Factor Infertility and are practically shooting blanks.|
|You just fulfilled your teenage fantasy of having sex like crazy for a whole year.|
|Having one of your chores be sex sounded a lot more fun when you were a teenager.|
|Baby making sex is now off that list and you can go back to making love to your wife.|
|Your new chore is making love to a plastic cup…in a bathroom…on a folding chair.|
|You never have to worry about getting a vasectomy.|
|You’ve wasted hundreds of dollars on condoms to avoid pregnancy.|
|Using ICSI and IVF you can actually have a child that is yours.|
|The price tag with no guarantees.|
|You have doctor’s orders to start poking your wife in the butt.|
|It’s with a big freaking needle that scares you as much as it scares her.|
|For once your wife doesn’t mind you looking at dirty magazines.|
|Down the hall is a guy putting items into your wife’s fun zone. And you’re paying him for it.|
|Your wife is not enjoying this any more than you are.|
|YOU BETTER START ENJOYING IT if you have any hope of providing your contribution into that plastic cup!|
|There is help for that folding chair fetish you’ve developed, I hope, I hope, I hope…|
Battle of the Two Week Wait.
In infertilish it is known as the dreaded 2ww. The two weeks between embryo transfer and your “beta” blood test to see if you are in fact pregnant. I’ve read several blogs talking about this period of time and felt prepared to handle these two weeks. Oh, how wrong I was.
Think back to a time when there was a date in your future you were really excited about like Christmas or the start of that special vacation. Remember how excited you were and how you could not wait for that day to arrive. Then think about a time when a date in your future was something you were loathing. For example a final exam on a subject you were struggling with, or that blind date your mother made for you. Remember the anxiety and fear as the date approached and how the date just kept approaching. On the one hand you never wanted the date to arrive, and on the other you just wanted to get it over with. Now imagine if both events were on the same day, then multiply it by a factor of 10. I have never been so excited for, and at the same time dreaded a single date in my entire life.
I now understand why women go crazy and want to start peeing on everything knowing the result is meaningless at this point. I’m feeling the same way. I want to drink a bucket of water and pee on every stick in the county area just to feel like I’m doing something. I know this sounds ridiculous, but right now a meaningless answer seems better than no answer and logically I can’t figure out why that is the case.
You can try to take your mind off of it for a while. I planned on doing a lot of swimming over the weekend to help clear my head. Mother nature decided to rain all weekend squashing those plans. We tried watching a movie Sunday night. Wanting to watch something we haven’t seen before, I turned on “A Very Harold & Kumar 3D Christmas” thinking it would be a fun distraction. How was I supposed to know the movie ends with Harold’s wife taking a pregnancy test?
My poor wife is not only having to deal with these emotions, but also the progesterone in oil (PIO) is making her feel like crap. The only relief I have found is knowing I’m not the only one ever having to suffer through this. Connecting with others currently suffering the 2ww. And watching this video over and over again…
(edit: I think I like this one even better)