Fork in the road

The last few days have been really difficult. The battle of emotion has a winner and the victor is fear. You have no idea how hard it is for me even to admit I’m afraid. It is not an emotion guys talk about unless it relates to a funny story we are telling, or a lesson to learn from it. For men, fear is something you overcome and move on, not an emotion you dwell on during or after the fact.

The only reason I’m even admitting my fear is my commitment to making this blog an honest representation of my feelings. I generally try to find the humor in life.  If you have read this blog from the beginning you will notice I don’t shy away from the story just because there is nothing humorous to be said. There was nothing funny about the day the Urologist told me modern medicine couldn’t fix my severe male factor infertility. Nor the day we found out none of the 4 embryos we didn’t transfer were able to be frozen. And right now there is nothing funny about the fear I am feeling regarding this test to see if my wife is actually pregnant. Had the doctor’s been able to freeze a couple of embryos, that would have been a safety net for us. But that safety net was taken down, leaving us with nothing to keep the fear at bay. The reality is this will be our one and only chance at having a child that is mine.

To pass the time we’ve been doing some more autumn decorating. Despite my poor drawing ability, I’m happy with how the pumpkin fireplace turned out.

But there is still the fork in the road ahead of us. Every plan for the future rests on the result of this test. Making every conversation have two answers. One if we are pregnant, the other if we are not. With every 2 part answer the fear I’m feeling is growing stronger and stronger. The embryo is now 11dp3dt, long enough that any pregnancy should be detectable with a First Response Early Result test.  But we will have to keep giving her the progesterone shots until we have the blood test on Monday. If the FRER comes back negative, it will be very hard to continue those shots.

I’m left contemplating which is the braver course. Do I face the fear and have her take a home test now? Knowing we would still need to do the PIO shots with a negative result. Is it chicken to want to delay facing this result for a few more days? Am I looking at this completely wrong and the reverse is true? That the easy route is to find out now, and the braver action would be dealing with this fear a few more days. I don’t know the answer and I don’t think there is a universally correct one. I just know there is an individual answer for the two of us. An answer that keeps changing on me as the minutes tick by.

© copyright 2011-2012

About ivfmale

Just a guy dealing with infertility.

Posted on September 15, 2012, in IVF progression and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 24 Comments.

  1. the Pumpkin fireplace looks awesome! I have no answers for you i wish i did, I am coming up to my first retrieval and transfer ever and i have heard that the 2 weeks is the worst part of the ivf process. My thoughts and prayers are with yall wishing yall all the best.

  2. Thank you. I’m very pleased with how the fireplace turned out. I would confirm that the 2ww is the worst part. Thanks for the prayers.

  3. For me, I needed to be in control of something. I needed to control the knowing. It’s a real shitty situation to be in with no frosties. Fingers crossed that it won’t matter and that this cycle will bring you your take home baby.

    • Thank you. It is a decision that is a personal one for each of us. If we had another chance at this we would probably be testing right now. Since we don’t, I’d rather wait for the official test. Performing an unofficial one that might be negative and then still having to give the shots would be very hard for me. But that’s how I’m feeling right now. Ask me in another 30 minutes and I may have a different answer.

  4. just said a prayer for you now. i know the feeling of not wanting to take a test and just waiting it out. Monday’s not too far away so maybe just enjoy the weekend the best you can until she can take the test that can give you a more accurate answer. 🙂

  5. I just came across your blog this week and I have really enjoyed reading your posts and catching up. I am also at the point where you can see the light at the end of the tww tunnel. (Beta is on Tuesday) I, too, am conflicted with wanted to test at home but my husband and I decided at the beginning to not go near CVS or Walgreens during this time. Wishing you the very best and a BFP on Monday!

    • I’m glad you are enjoying the blog. The wife bought a couple tests and they are just sitting there staring at us, daring us to use them. Lol. Best of luck on Tuesday!!!

  6. For me, I didn’t want to risk getting the phone call with my beta results at work so I took the test. Whether it was good news or bad news, I wanted it to be on my terms.

    I understand the high stakes unfortunately and I really hope this worked for you guys.

  7. Love the pumpkins! I don’t blame you for wanting to wait a few more days, but I’m not that patient. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for both of you! Thank you for writing with such honesty. It’s a brave thing to do and you should be very proud. Keep us posted!

    • Thank you! I’m very proud of this blog. I really didn’t want to post this, but it just didn’t feel right not to include this fear I’m having right now. Then I remembered how hard writing some of the other posts were and how I felt better after writing them. For some reason writing about this helps me analyze what I’m feeling and why. Very therapeutic.

  8. Hi! I wish I could tell you what to do, but just wanted to say good luck. The TWW is hard enough in typical situations and must be unbearable for you. I wish you all the best whatever you decide. Ps – love the decorations. Ironically we are waiting for ovulation (month 11 and post 3 chemicals or miscarriages) and I have turned to autumn pinterest crafts as a time passer, too! Made some mantle pumpkins tonight. 🙂 hang in there. We are all rooting for you.

    • Thank you! We found the fireplace pumpkins on pinerest and wanted to decorate for autumn.
      I’ve been following your blog and I love it. You two just crack me up. 🙂

  9. Ps – this is scrambled. I logged in as admin and not myself by mistake. Just saw my girl sunny side posted earlier too 😉 we are rooting for you.

  10. Thanks! We are laughing to keep from crying some days. We just hope we can help a few folks get a much-needed smile amidst a lot of other disappointment 🙂

  11. Wishing you tons of luck today!!!

  12. Thinking of you guys! Fingers crossed for you! Let us know when you find out.

  13. This is so hard. I got my BFN last week but still have to continue the PIO shots each night until this coming Wednesday. The first few nights after the shot I sobbed. Now the husband and I don’t speak. We just mechanically do it and then go cuddle and eat cookies. Good for the soul, bad for the weight gain! I’m thinking about you today and sincerely hope there is lots of celebration in your world.

    • Thanks Belle. The wife and I decided against POAS on Sunday, we just held out for the official result today. I’m busy baking cookies now. It’s the great thing about cookies. They universally go with good news and bad news. 😎

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