Monthly Archives: November 2012

Reality award

I’ve been nominated for the Reality Blog Award courtesy of  madoqua. If you haven’t visited his blog yet, please take a moment and check it out. Wonderful stories about the places he’s visited with some amazing photographs. He almost always includes a little tidbit of inside information which makes me feel like I’m right there along for the ride.

Some samples of his work…

http://madoqua.files.wordpress.com/2012/11/sunrise.jpghttp://madoqua.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/giraffe.jpg

A big thanks to madoqua for  the Reality Award nomination. I am truly honored.

There are a lot of misconceptions infertile’s are facing. And part of the reason they continue to exist is the lack of a dialogue about infertility. Because it’s so painful for us. To be looked at as less than a man or woman because we’re unable to have a child.  Suffering ridiculous suggestions by others, knowing you’ve done things 10 times more ridiculous hoping for parenthood. Dealing with our own demons every time someone announces a pregnancy. All the while being subjected to questions on why we’re still childless. We hide our infertility to protect ourselves. And that’s okay. I certainly don’t begrudge anyone for staying in the shadows.

But this is why these misconceptions continue. Before I found out I was infertile, I associated the IVF procedure as something celebrities and rich people did to have children. Never considered it could be one of my neighbors.  I remember thinking how sad two married college professors chose never to have children. Never occurred to me that maybe they couldn’t.

Our stories need to be heard so others might understand. In order for Infertility Awareness to occur, there must be a discussion. Before one side can listen, the other must speak.

That is my hope for this blog. If I can keep this blog interesting for those not dealing with infertility, maybe something good can be accomplished. If I can reach those still in the shadows and support them in their journey, then this is all worth it.

We are your neighbors, your coworkers, your friends and maybe even your family…and we suffer in silence.

——————-

Onto the questions.

If you could change something what would you change?

It’s still wishing I enjoyed exercise.

If you could relive one day, when would it be?

The last time I visited my paternal Grandmother so I could remember her. I was a small child when she passed away. I remember my mother trying to explain to me what death was and that she died…but I don’t remember her.

What’s one thing that really scares you?

Idiots, they’re everywhere…even the mirror!

What one dream have you not completed yet and do you think you will be able to complete it?

Duh? As far as will I be able to complete it…I just don’t know. More interested in moving on with life while keeping my options open. And supporting others during their struggle.

If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be?

Still would be my RE to grant us a free cycle of IVF.

———–

I would like to nominate the following bloggers for this award.

http://1suburbanchic.wordpress.com/
For her ability to reflect on her own viewpoint reminds me to keep an open mind. It’s okay to have an opinion, but it’s healthy to challenge yourself and listen to others.

http://diannegray.wordpress.com/
For reminding me I still have other dreams to strive for.  That dreams are achieved through hard work. I wish nothing but the best on her dream of being a full time writer.

http://scrambled-eggs.org/
For her magic ability to make me laugh and cry at the same time. Her candid posts touching on her own insecurities, fears, joys and heartbreak are always worth reading.

http://www.theonehandman.co.uk/
For being candid and open about his own infertility journey. He gives an inside look into the adoption process in the U.K. Exposing how adoption is not as simple as going to “Kids R Us” and picking one out. All the while finding the humor to be had along the way.

http://infertileginger.wordpress.com/
The reality is we have men and women serving our country that protect our freedoms, liberties and families. Yet if they suffer from infertility, there is no assistance to help them attempt a family of their own. Her letter to the First Lady is a reminder of the fight ahead of us against the concept that IVF is an “elective procedure.” I’d like to take this time to thank both Mr. and Mrs Ginger for their service to our country. As well as all the men, women and their families in the military. Thank you!

© copyright 2011-2012

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Two Sperm Tales

I had a request for poems about “the journey of a sperm for kids” from Mr. Google this week. Inspired by the challenge I created the following poems.

A Sperm’s Tale

By Matthew Wanner

In a moment of love,
during a time of joy;
an army of sperm
shot out of the boy.

First order of business
we instinctively knew,
find the cervix door
and march right on through.

Many didn’t make it,
a high price we paid.
But now in the uterus
a choice must be made.

Some swam to the left,
but I chose the right.
We could only guess
where the egg took flight.

In the tube we waited,
wondering how lucky we’d be.
When out of the depths,
an egg we could see.

We sprang into action,
the first I was not;
but none of the others
had found the right spot.

Wiggling my tail,
giving it my all;
I punched my way in
through the egg wall.

The egg gave a shutter
as it split into two,
and then it repeated
until we – became you.

———————————–
BUT WAIT! What about those of us not able to have children naturally? Don’t worry, I didn’t forget about you. 😀

A Sperm’s Tale – ICSI Style

By Matthew Wanner

The scouting reports wrong?
How could that be?
We’re in a plastic cup
from what I could see.

Yes it’s a cup
which is now enclosed.
Glad it’s not the floor,
but man this blows.

Placed in a door,
left with a bell ring;
a woman picked us up
who couldn’t even sing.

Scooped into a tube,
then spun really quick.
Packed in so tight
I thought I’d be sick.

Sucked up and spit out
onto some glass,
with a light so bright
I wished this would pass.

Sperm were then taken,
captured one by one.
First Frank, then Paul,
we knew they weren’t done.

I was selected,
an egg my new place.
This is the life,
and I didn’t even race.

Five days we divided,
our progress was tracked.
We were then selected,
the rest frozen and packed.

Finally in the uterus,
we made our estate.
While the parents would suffer
the dreaded two week wait.

A ring of the phone,
followed by tears of glee.
That my sweet child
is how you came to be.

© copyright 2011-2012

Is IVF destructive?

The decision to attempt IVF is not an easy one to make. For most it is a financial gamble on a dream that will take years to recover from. But this is nothing compared to emotional struggle a couple will face when IVF is their last option for a biological child.  Moral, ethical and religious questions weigh heavily on the minds of any couple facing IVF.

There is a disturbing need by some to connect embryonic losses during IVF with the concept of destroying a life through an abortion. Regardless of your view on abortion, not all losses during the IVF process are cases of destroying life.

Even more insulting is the assumption couples attempting IVF are blasé about these losses; we only care about the take home baby. Nothing could be further from the truth. When my Wife and I heard 9 mature eggs were harvested, realistically I thought 5 would grow after being fertilized. Reading the statistics from other IVF couples, I knew 5 was a reasonable number, even if still optimistic. The fact is our Reproductive Endocrinologist, the Embryologist, the nurses, techs, my Wife and I were all HOPING every one of the 9 eggs fertilized would result in a viable embryo.

If a farmer plants 15 corn seeds, and only 6 grow into stalks of corn, we don’t say the farmer “destroyed” 9 plants do we? Why do some feel the need to label these losses as destroying or killing innocent life when everyone involved was doing everything they could avoid it? Clinics don’t transfer multiple embryos hoping all but one survives, it’s simply the odds the doctor’s are dealing with. Most clinics are responsible about the number of embryos transferred into the womb, a few aren’t. We can’t let the case of Octomom tarnish and warp how IVF is viewed to those not dealing with infertility.

To be honest, my biggest fear during the IVF process wasn’t ending up empty handed. My biggest fear was facing the need for selective reduction.  A situation our clinic tries very hard to avoid. Holding clinics responsible for relying too often on selective reduction is certainly a cause I could get behind. However, transferring two embryos into a womb that both split isn’t a situation any doctor could have predicted. Selective reduction would be needed for the life of the mother and to avoid risking the lives of all the children.

There is one aspect to IVF that is sadly destructive. The discarding of frozen embryos.  Our clinic provided us with the option of what to do with our remaining frozen embryos should we decide to stop having children. To discard or donate for embryonic adoption? There should be more literature provided discussing the benefits of choosing donation to help other infertile couples. An option all clinics should provide to their patients.

I’m not defending the IVF process against all the ethical questions against it. It disturbs me to think how this process could be abused to select designer babies with the right eye and hair color. Or when I hear about it being used for gender selection.

The limited destructive aspect of the IVF process can be reduced through education and holding clinics responsible to keep the number of selective reductions needed as low as possible. But we must fight against the idea that all embryonic losses are destroying life. The majority of losses are because they didn’t survive when everyone involved were hoping they would.

IVF is overcoming an obstacle preventing a couple from conceiving. That’s all. We don’t withhold glasses from those with poor eyesight because they see the way God intended. Nor do we condemn those with a genetic disorders and prevent them from treatments. We treat children suffering leukemia, cyanotic heart defects causing “Blue Babies”, those with cleft pallets, all natural conditions we have overcome using science.

Unlike embryonic stem cell research, none of the embryos created during the IVF process were done so with the intent of being destroyed. The IVF process is about creating life.

With only about a 20% success rate for a couple trying naturally to conceive, the success rate of IVF is much higher. But we have statistics we can point to regarding the losses during IVF. We just don’t know why a fertile couple only has a 20% chance of getting pregnant. While a large number of them are cases of the egg not actually fertilizing…we just don’t know how many did fertilize and didn’t implant like we do with IVF.

I understand the choice of attempting IVF is a difficult one. But don’t let anyone tell you it is against God’s will. If God were that against IVF, wouldn’t its success rate be zero?

Dear IVFmale, ivf and accomplishments

I’m constantly amazed how some people find this blog using search engines. Take my top 5 search terms this week…

One of my reasons for starting this blog was to help get the male’s perspective of the infertility story told. When I first found out about my condition, I searched the web for answers and guidance about the journey I was just starting. Most of what I found were women dealing with infertility due to a male factor condition. While helpful, it missed the mark in what I was craving. A male’s understanding of the shock I was feeling. To connect in some small way with another also dealing with the emotions of my Severe Male Factor diagnosis. A couple of good male perspective blogs were found, many were not.

One male blogger put everything in terms of Star Wars. I love Star Wars. I’m a total Star Wars geek. George Lucas turned into the Evil Empire…Han Solo shot first…Phantom and Clones are an abomination that Lucas should be ashamed of…I get the attraction of Star Wars.  I don’t want Star Wars ruined even further by linking it with infertility. Just NO!

My ivf accomplishment has been creating this blog. A place to laugh at infertility when you’re just tired of crying about it. Yet still put forward real emotion which others may fear admitting. The search engine verification process was my attempt to reach out to others just beginning their struggle with infertility.

Where men can come and understand it’s normal to feel a sense of loss after hearing bad news about you’re condition. There is still hope. Always remember, a couple will survive the hard times by working together. Sometimes you support her, other times she will support you. Don’t feel ashamed to talk to your wife about your struggles. She is probably wanting you too.

A place where a woman can learn what their husband is feeling, but he won’t speak about.  To understand men struggle just as much with the emotions of infertility that they are. We don’t go quiet because we’re cold and heartless…it’s because we care and we’re afraid to cause the woman in our life even more distress. We don’t understand that talking about what we are feeling would actually help her.  Let your man know talking about his feelings will help you both. And be a little forgiving if the words don’t come out right, because we’re not used to talking about feelings.

I’m very proud of this blog. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine it would be so popular with folks wanting to make meringue from semen and puppy pictures. Three of my top five search terms are for Bandit! Now you’re probably asking yourself, how “missing half of face” could possibly be attributed to Bandit?

I’m glad you asked; I wondered the same thing. My request to Mr. Google left me scratching my head. Nothing related to my blog, and I wasn’t about to scan several pages of people missing half their face to find out why. Tagging “ivfmale” onto the end made it clear why this person found me.

Cocker-teseIn my post The Cock-tese I talked about Bandit being half Cocker Spaniel and half Maltese. Then pointed out the adorable face and stated he was missing his momma since we just picked him up from the breeder.

Even while looking at the grotesqueness of people with only half a face, Bandit snatched them away to look at cute adorable puppy pictures!

Simply amazing.

Further down the list we have…

— male nut cursher

Quit being sexist. A female can cursh nuts as well as any male can. What is a nut cursher anyway?

— ivf “calling in sick”

Go right ahead.

— punishment needle
— i gave my wife a needle injection as afun

I bet you both have no problems procreating…but you still need to seek help!

— 4dp3dt and lots of cm

STOP! STOP! STOP! The ups and downs are bad enough from the doctor, quit adding to it. I understand if checking your cm now brings you comfort from doing it so often…but lay off googling about it. You can pee on a stick in a few more days. GOOD LUCK!

— male hospital exam funny stories

Have you heard the one about getting a testicle and prostate exam from a urologist while the wife watches?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

© copyright 2011-2012

Declaring My Independence

Sorry to get on a political rant, but I have something to say. You may want to stop reading right now, I won’t be offended if you do. The reason I’ve waited until after the United States elections were over to say anything is, I didn’t want anyone to think I was trying to sway someone’s vote. Besides, living in a swing state being bombarded with television campaign ads, and the daily mailbox stuffing of political information, made thinking clearly difficult. I’m fine with people disagreeing with me, but I knew if I made this post earlier it would just be drowned in the emotions of election fury.

I’M SICK AND TIRED OF AMERICAN NATIONAL POLITICS! There, I’ve said it. Not that I don’t think voting is important, or we should just give up trying to make the world a better place. But I’m tired of every election watching politicians pander to special interest groups hoping to squeeze out enough votes to win. Abortion, Gay & Lesbian rights, Corporate tax rates, welfare, Super Pacs, the environment, the “paid by Grass Roots Foundation for America but I’m really backed by large corporate funding” group…I’m sick of it. Are these issues important? Absolutely. Do either parties dogma match my own…HELL NO! I’m tired of being stuck with a choice every election on which issue is most important to me and which ones I’m willing to sacrifice.

All because I want to think for myself and feel both parties have something to offer. Unfortunately when choosing which choice cut of meat I want, I’m stuck with it being buried under a pile of crap! I don’t like crap! Not smooth, not creamy, not al dente. I don’t care what flavoring you add to it…it’s still crap. Bill O’Reilly, Keith Olbermann, Rush Limbaugh, Anderson Cooper, Sean Hannity, Wolf Blitzer…I’m tired of all of you trying to spoon feed me your crap calling it crème brûlée. All it’s done is leave a bad taste in my mouth.

I hate watching fringe groups hold so much power over the electorate because we in the center keep playing this two party game. Where those supporting social issue X must accept it comes with looking the other way when you see families make a living manipulating the welfare system. (I know a family like this. They work just enough to qualify for the benefits, then quit to stay on government assistance.) Or those against social issue X must accept a platform that thinks its normal practice to give golden parachutes for failing top executives. While the common worker only gets two weeks severance when the company’s executives fail to keep them competitive…while the executives get bonuses for cutting labor. (I once actually saw an executive drive up in a brand new car the day our company was announcing layoffs. No kidding!)

And can we please stop with the half-baked solutions! You know the ones I’m talking about. The solutions to try and stop criminals from abusing the system…but all they end up doing is making it harder for those who are legitimate, while the criminals just work around the obstacle. If you happen to require certain medications, you now can’t call first to see if they have the medication in stock before making the trip. (That’s the excuse CVS gave me.) I understand criminals were calling for certain drugs and then robbing the pharmacy if confirmed they had stock. I would happily join some verification service to confirm I’m a regular customer, but does the government even allow for a company to build that option…nope. Sure it’s a silly thing to complain about in a city with a drug store on every corner. But what about rural areas where pharmacy A is 30 minutes east of your home and pharmacy B is 40 minutes west of your home? Do you really want to drive 30 minutes one way, then 70 minutes the other way; just because the pharmacist failed to stock up on your medication and is forbidden by law to tell you that over the phone?

I’m left scratching my head how one party is for small government to stay out of our lives, but feel they have the right to tell a woman what choice must be made. I’m disgusted how the other party is all for social programs, but allows a woman to have multiple abortions (using it as a form of birth control) instead of thinking up some program to make adoption a more attractive solution.

I’m sick of the hypocrisy! I’m sorry the Republicans slow played Obama’s nominations, I didn’t hear you complaining when the Democrats did it to George W. Bush. Yes, it’s true gas prices were cheaper when Obama was elected in 2008. Here is a chart to prove it…

Oh you forgot how gas prices were even higher just a few months before the election…how convenient!

I no longer feel like I’m voting for the best candidate possible. I’ve voting for the candidate with the best campaign…the best fundraising…the best strategy, with the fewest black marks in their past that the opponent can use against them. Running a successful campaign does not equal running a successful country. The fact the individual could raise millions of dollars leaves me wondering if the politician is beholden to me for voting, or beholden to the contributor who paid for the advertising.

The problem, as I see it, is MONEY! Not in that who spends the most wins, as Linda McMahon has learned. But we elect these individuals to work for us, yet they spend a large portion of it working to raise money and keep those people happy to contribute next time. How can we expect our elected leaders to put our freedoms and liberties first when doing so may cost them campaign contributors? How can we expect members of congress to vote their conscience when party leaders threaten to withhold campaign funds forcing them to vote the party line?

For once I would like a candidate that has demonstrated they understand “Bi-partisanship” means more than the other side listening to them. Savannah Guthrie during NBC’s election coverage stated the American voter is to blame for gridlock continuing. While she has a point…I disagree. We don’t want one party pushing its agenda forward without concern for the other side. We want both parties to listen to each other and actually take value in what the other party has to say. Instead…they speak to empty rooms.

If there ever was an all inclusive special interest group, it would be those suffering with infertility. It doesn’t matter what race, religion, gender or sexual orientation you are…you could still suffer from infertility if you had plans for a child. Even the elderly are affected in their hopes for grandchildren. What is the government doing to help my special interest group? I sure haven’t seen anything in the form of assistance. Just a few politicians who want to eliminate my one chance of having a child over religious reasons. Yet I’m still expected to pay taxes to the schools that my children will never use. I’m still expected to care about future generations that will never be my own.

Why should I care about recycling? Why should I care about global warming? Why should I care about the national debt? Why should I care about schools and teachers and how ridiculous standardized testing is?

A small part of me still does care, but there are days it takes a lot of self-convincing to keep doing so.

Which is how I feel about American politics. To take the time to be informed what your congressman or senator stands for, knowing when voting on the big issues come up their arms will be twisted by the party leaders to vote the party line if need be, just seems like a waste of my time. I’m sorry I feel that way but I do. I’ll still do the research and vote for state and local elections, but when it comes to national politics…I’m just not interested in the two party game anymore.

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear IVFmale, Injection needle punishment

I’m amazed how my search engine referrers have tripled this past week.  Unfortunately most of them I’ve already answered. There are still a few gems worth highlighting, so lets take a look.

— poems about it’s not easy being green
— a dream lost by matthew wanner

WOW! I guess my poems have touched some people and the word is spreading. I’m flushed with a totally nonsexual warm fuzzy feeling. Thanks you guys!

— embryos sperm kick in day

I’m not an expert, but my RE stated the DNA from the sperm kicks in after the 3rd day. It’s sort of like marriage on a micro scale. Once the two are joined, the female gets busy working while the male just sits on the couch playing games. Eventually the female needs help and hands the male a list of chores, which he does to keep the female happy. If the male can’t get off the couch the marriage ends.

— i am sale to my own ivf

WHAT? If you figure out how to sell IVF to yourself let me know. I would give myself a big discount.

— give injection needle to my wife as a punshment

😯 This is a blog about fertility, or rather infertility, not S&M. I’m not one to judge, but couldn’t you just use whips or spanking during your bondage? Different strokes for different folks I guess. Just makes sure she’s cool with it first…and remember to use a “SAFE” word…and use sterile needles.

Are you sure you love your wife?

© copyright 2011-2012

Staring down the infertility train

The challenge for this week is to write about a moment when our lives changed in an instant. Couples struggling with infertility are all too familiar with these life changing moments. For the infertility journey isn’t a single instance, but a series of life changing instances.

We start with a dream, built into our instinctual biological fiber, to procreate so a form of our DNA will live on. To have a family of offspring to raise and guide into adulthood hoping they too will continue the process. Thus allowing our DNA to survive our own mortality. A need shared by all living creatures.

After a year of attempting to naturally fulfill this dream, I was asked to submit a semen sample for analysis. The results started the train of life changing moments. Finding out I have a “very low” sperm count and I was the reason behind our struggle to start a family was truly a shocking moment. This left me dazed and confused about my own masculinity, but there was still hope. Hope the problem could be fixed.

This hope led me to a Urologist and was my rookie experience with the infertility waiting game. No longer were these life changing moments a surprise, I knew they were coming. There was a time and place on the calender advertising the event. “Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst” became my motto. There was nothing to prepare me for the utter devastation I felt with the news my Urologist couldn’t find anything correctable. I was left picking up the pieces of a shattered dream and told to take them to a Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE).

I never knew anyone who had tried IVF before. I had little experience with the procedures available to help infertile couples get pregnant. My high school health class was about how the reproductive system worked, nothing about what must be done if it’s not working. The internet was a scary place of confusing abbreviations and high ticket prices to even play the IVF game. My wife and I carried our shattered dream to our RE. With my low expectations, the RE pieced together our dream with information on procedures where men like me could still become a father.  He then presented a price list with rates we could reasonably afford despite our lack of insurance coverage for IVF treatments.

We agreed to give IVF a try. Our hopes now rested with a team of doctors to get my wife pregnant, with a backup plan of a few frozen embryos remaining to be used in a second attempt if needed. For 12 days I administered injections into my wife’s lower back, tricking her body into produce more eggs than nature designed it. When the day arrived to collect the eggs, we were so happy to have 9 mature eggs harvested. Followed 2 days later with the terrifying news only 6 fertilized and none of them were growing as expected.  The elation the next morning when we arrived for our early transfer and discovered one of the embryos grew to be a top grade, making our RE very positive about our chances.

For 3 days we waited, hoping the remaining 4 embryos would continue to grow to the point they could be frozen and stored. Hearing zero embryos would be frozen guillotined our back up plan, leaving us with our one hope. The date marked on the calender said September 17, 2012 and it would be our moment of truth.  The day blood would be drawn to see if my wife was pregnant or not, and it was still 10 days away. Friends and family were reading my blog looking for the latest news. I promised I would update it with the information as soon as we heard from the RE. If the news was good, the writing would come easy. However, a negative result…there was no way I could bring myself to write anything afterwards.  I began writing the poem A Dream Lost, pouring all the emotions I thought I would be feeling, but still hoping it wouldn’t be necessary.

The day finally arrived, blood was drawn for testing, and my wife and I sat impatiently by the phone. It barely had a chance to ring when I answered and heard, “We received the results and I’m sorry……….” I hung up, then looked at my wife shaking my head. I held my emotions together long enough to sign in and press “publish” before snapping the lid closed allowing grief to consume me.

The dream was lost.

Relatives offered to pay for another IVF attempt, but the news from the RE was my sperm just isn’t healthy enough to keep embryos growing after the 3rd day. I’ll never have a biological child. Fatherhood may still be in my future, and I will of course raise it as my own. Right now I just need time. Time to grieve my loss. Time to accept my fate. Time to open my heart to other possibilities.

© copyright 2011-2012

Impressing the family

INT KITCHEN – CITY APARTMENT – MORNING

CLOSE UP – WALL CLOCK
We see the second hand move to the 12 position with a LOUD CLOCK TICK. It’s exactly 7 a.m.

ANGLE ON STOVE

A MOTHER in her bathrobe is fixing scrabbled eggs and bacon for her family. Her hair is still wet from the shower. She looks up at the clock.

MOTHER

(Shouts at the doorway.)

Breakfast!

The FATHER stumbles in, followed by their SON (age 7) and DAUGHTER (age 4). All three sit down at the table.

MOTHER

We leave in two hours…and I want pictures before we go.

(Mother places a cup of coffee in front of her husband.)

Here Dear.

(While serving breakfast.)

Johnny, Lucy…

(Waits for both kids to look at her.)

I need your help this morning…please do as you’re told so I can get ready.
Can you do that for Mommy?

JOHNNY AND LUCY (Together)

Yes Mommy.

FATHER

Sweetheart…must I shave my beard? It’s finally looking great.

MOTHER

(She disagrees. Tries gentle approach.)

I know Dear…but I don’t think it’s a good look with a jacket and tie.

He starts to protest. She gets authoritative.

MOTHER

No beard! Start growing a new one tomorrow.

FATHER

(disgruntled)

I’m not sure I even remember how to tie one.

MOTHER

(Exacerbated)

I’ll tie it for you…

(She quickly calms herself. Looks lovingly in his
eyes as she fondles his beard.)

Please do this for me.

It’s the kids first family reunion.

(With his look of resignation she smiles.
She then notices Johnny is not eating.)

Eat your eggs.

JOHNNY

But I don’t like eggs.

MOTHER

Since when?
You eat eggs all the time.

JOHNNY

(With admiration.)

Ricky’s Uncle said eating eggs is worse than eating a chick.
Baby chicks are cute…can I have one for a pet?

Father chokes on his eggs while Mother tries to hide her shock.

MOTHER

Uhm…no sweetie.

Why don’t you and Ricky play over here from now on.

(Glancing at the clock she gives in.)

What will you eat?

JOHNNY

Waffles!

MOTHER

(Checking the fridge, her patience is running thin.)

We’re out of Eggo’s.
How about a Pop Tart?

She pulls the box of Pop Tarts off the shelf immediately opening it. Father stands up and exits the room.

JOHNNY

(Disappointed.)

Alright.

While she opens the bag.

LUCY

(Looks up from her now empty plate excited.)

I want a Pop Tart!

MOTHER

You’ve already eaten.

LUCY

(Mini tantrum.)

I want a Pop Tart!

MOTHER

Calm down! I’ll make you one too.

Mother proceeds fixing two Pop Tarts. The toaster rings and she starts serving.

MOTHER

Here. When you’re done go watch cartoons while I get ready.

JOHNNY

Yes Mom.

LUCY

(With a mouth full of Pop Tart)

Uh huh.

Mother exits the kitchen.

MASTER BEDROOM WITH BATHROOM DOOR ON REAR WALL
C.U. – DIGITAL ALARM CLOCK
The time is now 7:45 a.m.

ANGLE ON BEDROOM DOOR
We hear WATER RUNNING on the other side of the door. Mother walks into the bedroom carrying shoe polish, a shoe brush and a rag…heading for a bench at the foot of the bed where a pair of dull black dress shoes rest. Her makeup is halfway complete with eye shadow on only one eye.

MOTHER

(To the closed door while
placing the items on the bench.)

I brought some polish for your shoes…they’re looking pretty dull.

While she walks to the bedroom vanity plugging in her curling iron and begins brushing eye shadow on her other eye.

FATHER (O.S.)

(Unintelligible grumbling.)

MOTHER

(Now shouting at the door.)

Steven did you hear me!

The door opens. Freshly showered, we see Steven with a towel around his waist. Razor in hand with part of his beard now missing.

STEVEN

Janet I heard you! Just calm down…everything will be fine…

CRASH! (O.S.) Steven retreats shutting the door. Janet leaps to investigate.

JANET

(Rushing out the door.)

What the…???

KITCHEN
Lucy is on a chair reaching for a bag of cookies. A broken flour canister on the floor. Flour dust still lingers in the air.

JANET

(Shouting.)

What are you doing?

LUCY

(Determined.)

Getting a cookie.

Janet gets two clean towels out of a drawer. Walks towards Lucy while protecting her hair with the first towel.

JANET

You just ate two breakfasts! No cookie!

Lucy jumps off the chair and exits screaming leaving a trail of flour footprints. Janet grabs a broom and begins sweeping.

JANET

(To herself.)

All I asked for was a little cooperation…

C.U. KITCHEN CLOCK
The time is 7:55, LOUD CLOCK TICK, the time jumps to 8:10.

BEDROOM
The bathroom door is shut. Johnny is sitting on the bench trying to put polish on Steven’s shoes, but somehow it also ended up on his hands and face.

JANET

(Entering the room holding a towel
wiping the flour that covers her face)

Steven…Can you please give Lucy a quick bath…

Janet sees Johnny and screams.

JOHNNY

(smiling proudly)

Look Mom! I’m helping Daddy!

JANET

I see that. Why aren’t you watching cartoons?

JOHNNY

Rerun.

JANET

Steeeeeveeeeeen!

The bathroom door opens, Steven stumbles out clean shaven, looking uncomfortable.

Janet points at Johnny.

STEVEN

Honey I’m sorry! I was on the toilet…he knocked saying he was bored…
I..I wasn’t thinking.

JANET

Just go find Lucy.

(Looks over at the clock,
then directs Johnny towards the bathroom.)

They’ll have to bathe together.

Steven exits. Through the open door we see Janet starting a bath then stripping Johnny’s shirt off.

C.U. MAN’S WATCH ON DRESSER
Time is 8:15. LOUD CLOCK TICK time jumps to 8:22.

ANGLE ON OPEN BATHROOM DOOR
Side view of Janet on her knees washing Johnny (Just O.S.). She looks frustratingly out the door and we see her makeup has been washed off along with the flour.

ANGLE ON BEDROOM DOOR.
Steven enters leading Lucy by the hand.

C.U. LUCY’S FEET STILL LEAVING A TRAIL OF FLOUR.

ANGLE ON OPEN BATHROOM DOOR
Steven lifts Lucy into the tub (o.s), then removes her nightgown tossing aside.

STEVEN

In the tub kiddo.

JANET

What took so long?

STEVEN

Couldn’t find her.

JANET

Couldn’t you follow the trail?

STEVEN

What trail?

With loathing frustration, Janet stands up and starts to exit the bathroom.

JANET

Please finish this….I need to curl my hair.

Janet sits down at her vanity and begins using the curling iron.

A minute later Steven enters from the bathroom.

STEVEN

They’re playing in the tub…I’ll get dressed.

Janet nods continuing to curl her hair. Steven starts getting dressed and Janet glances at her watch.

C.U. JANET’S WATCH ON VANITY
Time is 8:27. LOUD CLOCK TICK time jumps to 8:35.

BEDROOM
Janet unplugs the curling iron and opens her foundation. Steven is now fully dressed. He approaches Janet holding his necktie.

JOHNNY (O.S.)

Gross! Mooooom!

BATHROOM
Janet rushes in. Johnny is out of the tub wrapped in a towel. Lucy covered in bubbles is giggling.

JOHNNY

She pooped!

JANET

(To Lucy)

Why did you poop in the tub?

LUCY

I was making bubbles like Johnny.

JANET

(To Steven)

Go dress your son.

JOHNNY

(To Janet looking disgusted)

Mom! I need another bath.

JANET

Did it touch you?

JOHNNY

No.

JANET

(With authority)

You’re fine.

Steven and Johnny exit. Janet drains the tub then wraps a towel around Lucy and carries her into the bedroom.

JANET

Lets get your dress on.

C.U. ALARM CLOCK
Time is 8:43. LOUD CLOCK TICK time jumps to 8:50.

BEDROOM
Janet is now wearing an unzipped dress. Lucy sits on the bed wearing her dress and gloves while Janet struggles putting Lucy’s stockings on. Johnny enters wearing his jacket, black socks and shorts.

JOHNNY

Can I wear shorts?

JANET

It’s the middle of January…you can’t wear shorts.

JOHNNY

Lucy is wearing a dress?

JANET

Well she must learn to suffer for beauty…besides…she is wearing stockings.
What is wrong with your pants?

JOHNNY

They’re itchy.

JANET

Why didn’t you tell me this two days ago?

JOHNNY

I dunno.

JANET

Tough! Put your pants on!

Johnny exits. Lucy lays on the bed. Janet starts throwing makeup from her vanity into a bag.

Steven enters looking uncomfortable.

STEVEN

Babe we’ve got to go…you’re not even…

Janet gives Steven her “If looks could kill” stare.

JANET

I’ll put my makeup on in the car!

Is Johnny dressed?

STEVEN

Yes…Do we have anything for constipation?

JANET

(Flabbergasted)

Are you kidding me? You couldn’t have said something earlier?

STEVEN

Well you were busy and I didn’t want to bother you.

JANET

We have a two hour drive to the reception hall…we’re not stopping half-way for you! I have some Ex-Lax in my purse…you can take it when we arrive.

Bring me your tie and zip up my dress!

Janet ties the necktie then Steven zips her dress.

JANET

Grab the camera. I at least want a picture of the kids.

Janet looks at the watch on her wrist.

C.U. JANET’S WATCH
The time is 9:00

OUT – FRONT OF APARTMENT BUILDING – MORNING

Outside the kids stand next to each other while Steven tries to take their picture. Janet tries directing the kids for the picture she is hoping for. Johnny is digging for gold. Lucy is obviously cold.

JANET

Johnny quit picking your nose!

(To Lucy)

Stop fidgeting and stand still.

LUCY

It’s cold.

JANET

(Sweet Motherly voice.)

I know baby, just a couple pictures and we will be on our way.

(With authority.)

Hold your sister’s hand.

JOHNNY

No!

JANET

Johnny!

Steven will you get in there so I can get a picture?

STEVEN

Why can’t you? I’m…

We are reminded Janet isn’t wearing makeup yet.

JANET

Steeeeeveeeeeen!

Steven hands her the camera then stands in the middle of the children and holds their hands.
Janet raises the camera to take a picture.

JANET

Say cheeeeese.

No one bothers as Janet takes the picture. She looks at the screen to see the result.

C.U. ON THIS PICTURE…

ANGLE ON JANET

JANET

Screw it! Everyone just get in the car!

Johnny goes to wipe a booger on Lucy’s dress

JANET

Don’t you dare!

Johnny wipes it on his jacket.

THE END.

For this week’s challenge we had to write something about the above picture.
I’m not a screenplay writer…but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express once.
© copyright 2011-2012

Dear IVFmale, Sperm Out!

Sorry folks. Works been keeping me busy, but we all need a break once in a while…right! An interesting group of searches this week. Let’s get started…

—ivf male blogspot

Uhm. I’m on wordpress. But you found me anyway so you’re forgiven.
Nothing against blogspot, I just like wordpress.

—4dp3dt temperature spike

Stop! I know it’s a long wait and old habits die hard. Give the basal thermometer a rest. One thing I’ve learned is symptom checking during IVF isn’t helpful. It might mean implantation is occurring, but it could also be a hundred other reasons too. You’re just making the roller coaster ride worse. Good luck with your beta and I’m wishing you a BFP!

—poem for a ivf couple trying

Well since you asked…

There once was a couple trying to conceive,
hopes for a family they would soon achieve,
a doctor they would pay
IVF’s the only way
a journey harder than any would believe.

—the sperm out last time

😆 I honestly haven’t a clue what you’re hoping to find. Something about this search reminded me of the song Le Freak by Chic and what Weird Al Yankovic might have done with it. Let’s have some fun shall we?

Le Sperm by IVFmale.
(Satire of Le Freak by Chic)

Chorus:
Ah, sperm out!
Le sperm, c’est chic
Sperm out!
Ah, sperm out!
Le sperm, c’est chic
Sperm out!

Have you heard about the new fun craze?
Listen to me, I’m sure you’ll be amazed
Big fun to be had by every male
It’s up to you, it surely can not fail

Young and old are doing it, I’m told
Just one try and you too will be sold
It’s called ‘Le Sperm’, I’m doing it right now
Allow me, I will show you how

(chorus)

All that pressure got you down
Has your head been spinning all around?
Feel the rhythm, there’s no crime
Come on along and have a real good time

Like the days of jerking as a boy
Now we “sperm,” oh, what a joy
Just head on in through the bathroom door
Try not to shoot it on the floor

(chorus)

Now sperm
I said sperm
Now sperm

All that pressure got you down
Has your head been spinning all around?
Feel the rhythm, there’s no crime
Come on along and have a real good time

Like the days of jerking as a boy
Now we “sperm,” oh, what a joy
Just head on in through the bathroom door
Try not to shoot it on the floor

(chorus)

© copyright 2011-2012

Leibster Award

Thank you Cindysn @ http://pregnancyviaivf.wordpress.com/ for nominating me for a Leibster Award. This being my first award nomination, I hope I don’t screw it up.

Checklist

  • Answer 11 questions posed by the nominator.
  • Nominate 11 blogs for the award.
  • Create 11 questions for those I nominate to answer.

First I’m supposed to answer 11 questions posed by the one who nominated me…

  1. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why? On my own yacht so I could easily move somewhere else when I got bored.
  2. What is your favorite food? Besides dessert…Spanish Steak.
  3. What is your favorite holiday and why? Christmas….COOKIES!
  4. If you could be any person for just one day who would you be? My RE so I could award my Wife and I a free IVF cycle.
  5. If you could have dinner with 3 people, dead or alive, who would they be? No one specific, just 3 people I could be myself with for the evening without fear of sticking my foot in my mouth.
  6. What is your favorite season? Autumn. Cooler weather with beautiful colors of nature.
  7. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be? That I enjoyed exercise.
  8. What’s the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to you? You can read all about it here.
  9. If you could pick one super power to have what would it be and why? Any super power I know I would end up abusing for my own self serving reasons. Even though I would want to use them for good. It’s best that I don’t have a super power. But if forced to choose it would be teleportation so I could just avoid traffic.
  10. What is your favorite movie of all time? American Splendor
  11. Why do you blog? To communicate my feelings to my wife that I have trouble saying out loud. To connect with other individuals who understand what I’m dealing with. To keep infertility from driving me insane.

Next I’m to nominate 11 others for the award who have under 200 followers. Well crap! I like all the blogs I’m following and those following me. If I had more time I would follow several more, but I spend too much time on wordpress as it is. Several I like already have hundreds of followers. And Cindysn already nominated many of my faithful followers. I’ll just nominate those I would like to see more support for, many who are now in the middle of their journeys.

  1. bethanybosha @ http://boshababyjourney.wordpress.com/
  2. Sunnyside & Scrambled @ http://twogoodeggsblog.wordpress.com/
  3. Courtney @ http://allthesunforyou.wordpress.com/
  4. Leighann @ http://mininoves.wordpress.com/
  5. Barrenart @ http://barrenart.wordpress.com/
  6. Samantha @ http://maybebabyivf.wordpress.com/
  7. cmdcupcake @ http://mydailyaffirmations.wordpress.com/
  8. lalawhy @ http://lalawhy.wordpress.com/
  9. ivfdream @ http://ivfdream.wordpress.com/
  10. TG @ http://chickandeggs.com/
  11. mybrokenoven @ http://mybrokenoven.wordpress.com/

Whaa!!! So many I want to nominate, so little room!

Now what questions should I ask…

  1. What inspired you to start your blog?
  2. Describe one feature you wish WordPress had that it doesn’t.
  3. What quality about yourself are you most proud of?
  4. Describe your fondest childhood memory.
  5. Tell me about your first car.
  6. Who inspires you and why?
  7. Tell me the most recent joke you’ve heard that was really funny.
  8. What do you want others to remember you by?
  9. Which question above do you wish I hadn’t asked?
  10. What question didn’t I ask you wish I had?
  11. Do you think I made up the last two questions because I ran out of questions?