Category Archives: Dear Ivfmale

Posts dealing with humor. Maybe warped humor? Poor attempts at humor??? Fine, posts I find hilarious and I don’t care. I think they’re funny.

The Magic Conception Ball

Are you tired of feeling like sex is a monthly chore in your quest for a baby? Do you reminisce about the days when intimacy was exciting and fun? Looking to bring back that mystery of what your partner may have in store, instead of sex just becoming a bore?

Introducing the Magic Conception Balls™!

Exercise Balls

Purchase a Magic Conception Ball™ and watch your partner’s quizzical face turn to delight in remembering how much fun procreating can be. If this invention had been around in Ancient India, the Kama Sutra would have needed another volume. The opportunities are only limited by your flexibility and your imagination!

Let’s look at some of the benefits the Magic Conception Ball™ has over other intimacy aids.

The Magic Conception Ball™ hides in plain site. Nothing embarrassing you must hide away under a drawer full of socks. No weird questions about those “hooks” in the bedroom ceiling. Anyone spotting the Magic Conception Ball™ will assume it’s exercise equipment and will not even raise a question. Only you and your partner know what its real purpose is for.

Allows for a more intense workout saving you time by combining exercise and procreating. You can work on strengthening your core, lose weight and knock out a baby making session all at once! How many items around your home have so many positive benefits while saving you time?

This is a multi-functional tool with multiple uses beyond conception. Besides the most obvious being exercise, the Magic Conception Ball can be used as an office chair, working your core while you work. It makes a handy additional seating location so that one extra person doesn’t have to sit on the floor. Once you’re pregnant, the ball provides a great low impact workout keeping the body tone, fit, and ready for childbirth. After the birth, the ball can assist in bouncing the baby back to sleep as you sit on the ball holding your little miracle.

Easy to clean. Just wipe down with soap and water. No electrical parts to worry about.

No need to visit an embarrassing Adult store. You can purchase one of these miracle wonders at your local discount store hiding in the “exercise” section for around $10. Pick one up, and walk out the door without any one judging you as strange or weird.

While the Magic Conception Ball™ doesn’t guarantee conception, it will make trying to conceive a whole lot more fun and interesting.

Pick one up for your partner this Valentine’s Day. And remember, I spent my money on IVF, so if you get hurt, suing me would be pointless!

© copyright 2011-2013

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Dear Ivfmale, Santa Claus Black Gay?

With the holidays, I postponed the Dear Ivfmale segment. Let’s take a look over the last couple weeks regarding what folks are desperately needing answers too and hoped that my blog held the treasures they were seeking.

— can my wife force me to do ivf

Legally? I don’t think so. I’m not a lawyer, but I don’t see how an insurance company can avoid paying for ivf while a wife can force you into the procedure. But stranger laws have been on the books before. Who knows.

That being said, I’m not sure refusing is the best for your relationship. I really would need to know why you’re resistant to trying ivf before going any further. Financial and religious reasons are sure obstacles a couple must consider carefully. However if you simply don’t “want to” then I see divorce papers in the near future.

— men don’t care ivf

Most of us do care. We just get confused sometimes when you need us to be rock and when you need to see our softer side. Sometimes we appear as if we “don’t care” as a coping mechanism to keep ourselves in check. If you need to see more emotion out of your male partner, let him know seeing a little emotion from him would actually help you and it’s safe for him to lower his guard a bit.

— mimic brownie box mix recipe

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY?!? This is so wrong on so many levels. I’m not completely anti box mix. Box mix brownies are quick, easy, and certainly better than store bought brownies. But if you’re making homemade brownies…MAKE HOMEMADE BROWNIES! Sorry but a ruined homemade brownie is still better than a box mix one.

— santa claus black gay

The primary influences for the legend of Santa Claus are Saint Nicholas who was Greek, and the dutch legend of Sinterklaas. Both of whom are not black. Does the race of Santa Claus really matter? Isn’t the message of loving all children regardless of skin color more important than the color of Santa’s skin?

But Santa’s not gay! I’m not saying there is anything wrong if Santa were gay, I just don’t see anything to indicate that he is. Why would Mrs. Claus agree to be a beard for someone who spends most of his life in hiding anyway? Would a gay man really wear a red suit with white fur trim? Santa may be infertile, but definitely not gay.

The Easter Bunny, he’s totally gay! Snazzy button vest. Can’t help decorating plain objects in pretty pastel colors. Hops around carrying decorated baskets from house to house. Then there is always that one Easter egg hidden in the closet. And given the fertility prowess of rabbits, the most likely reason the bunny has time to do all this and isn’t busy taking care of hundreds of little ones is the Easter Bunny is attracted to male bunnies over female ones. I’m not judging Mr. Bunny. Personally I think he’s awesome and could care less about his sexual preference. (But I still think he’s a gay.)

© copyright 2011-2013

Dear Ivfmale, cum injection needle?

Works been keeping me busy, busy, busy. But I’m taking a break anyway to bring you this weeks Dear Ivfmale. 😀 Some searches were sad, some were funny, lets sample a few of both shall we?

— i’m ashamed of my infertility i don’t want to talk about it
Perfectly natural to feel this way. It’s a hard pill to swallow after months of trying to conceive. Each month thinking this would be the one. There is nothing to be ashamed of, it’s not your fault. Staying quiet about your situation is a typical response. Few will understand the emotions we’re dealing with and offer platitudes that hurt rather than help. Ask your doctor about counselors or support groups in your area to connect with others that understand. Or you can start an infertility blog when you’re ready to talk about it.

— ivf failed wife left me
My heart goes out to you. You need to talk to a professional, not Mr. Google. I sincerely hope you find happiness.

— semen dessert
I bet if someone wrote a recipe book using semen they would make at least $5.

— cum injectionneedle
It’s called a penis.

— hvac ivrf fault finding
How in the hell did you find this blog with that search?

Sorry to cut it short this week, back to the grindstone. Hope everyone is having a good Holiday Season.

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear IVFmale, ivf and accomplishments

I’m constantly amazed how some people find this blog using search engines. Take my top 5 search terms this week…

One of my reasons for starting this blog was to help get the male’s perspective of the infertility story told. When I first found out about my condition, I searched the web for answers and guidance about the journey I was just starting. Most of what I found were women dealing with infertility due to a male factor condition. While helpful, it missed the mark in what I was craving. A male’s understanding of the shock I was feeling. To connect in some small way with another also dealing with the emotions of my Severe Male Factor diagnosis. A couple of good male perspective blogs were found, many were not.

One male blogger put everything in terms of Star Wars. I love Star Wars. I’m a total Star Wars geek. George Lucas turned into the Evil Empire…Han Solo shot first…Phantom and Clones are an abomination that Lucas should be ashamed of…I get the attraction of Star Wars.  I don’t want Star Wars ruined even further by linking it with infertility. Just NO!

My ivf accomplishment has been creating this blog. A place to laugh at infertility when you’re just tired of crying about it. Yet still put forward real emotion which others may fear admitting. The search engine verification process was my attempt to reach out to others just beginning their struggle with infertility.

Where men can come and understand it’s normal to feel a sense of loss after hearing bad news about you’re condition. There is still hope. Always remember, a couple will survive the hard times by working together. Sometimes you support her, other times she will support you. Don’t feel ashamed to talk to your wife about your struggles. She is probably wanting you too.

A place where a woman can learn what their husband is feeling, but he won’t speak about.  To understand men struggle just as much with the emotions of infertility that they are. We don’t go quiet because we’re cold and heartless…it’s because we care and we’re afraid to cause the woman in our life even more distress. We don’t understand that talking about what we are feeling would actually help her.  Let your man know talking about his feelings will help you both. And be a little forgiving if the words don’t come out right, because we’re not used to talking about feelings.

I’m very proud of this blog. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine it would be so popular with folks wanting to make meringue from semen and puppy pictures. Three of my top five search terms are for Bandit! Now you’re probably asking yourself, how “missing half of face” could possibly be attributed to Bandit?

I’m glad you asked; I wondered the same thing. My request to Mr. Google left me scratching my head. Nothing related to my blog, and I wasn’t about to scan several pages of people missing half their face to find out why. Tagging “ivfmale” onto the end made it clear why this person found me.

Cocker-teseIn my post The Cock-tese I talked about Bandit being half Cocker Spaniel and half Maltese. Then pointed out the adorable face and stated he was missing his momma since we just picked him up from the breeder.

Even while looking at the grotesqueness of people with only half a face, Bandit snatched them away to look at cute adorable puppy pictures!

Simply amazing.

Further down the list we have…

— male nut cursher

Quit being sexist. A female can cursh nuts as well as any male can. What is a nut cursher anyway?

— ivf “calling in sick”

Go right ahead.

— punishment needle
— i gave my wife a needle injection as afun

I bet you both have no problems procreating…but you still need to seek help!

— 4dp3dt and lots of cm

STOP! STOP! STOP! The ups and downs are bad enough from the doctor, quit adding to it. I understand if checking your cm now brings you comfort from doing it so often…but lay off googling about it. You can pee on a stick in a few more days. GOOD LUCK!

— male hospital exam funny stories

Have you heard the one about getting a testicle and prostate exam from a urologist while the wife watches?

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear IVFmale, Injection needle punishment

I’m amazed how my search engine referrers have tripled this past week.  Unfortunately most of them I’ve already answered. There are still a few gems worth highlighting, so lets take a look.

— poems about it’s not easy being green
— a dream lost by matthew wanner

WOW! I guess my poems have touched some people and the word is spreading. I’m flushed with a totally nonsexual warm fuzzy feeling. Thanks you guys!

— embryos sperm kick in day

I’m not an expert, but my RE stated the DNA from the sperm kicks in after the 3rd day. It’s sort of like marriage on a micro scale. Once the two are joined, the female gets busy working while the male just sits on the couch playing games. Eventually the female needs help and hands the male a list of chores, which he does to keep the female happy. If the male can’t get off the couch the marriage ends.

— i am sale to my own ivf

WHAT? If you figure out how to sell IVF to yourself let me know. I would give myself a big discount.

— give injection needle to my wife as a punshment

😯 This is a blog about fertility, or rather infertility, not S&M. I’m not one to judge, but couldn’t you just use whips or spanking during your bondage? Different strokes for different folks I guess. Just makes sure she’s cool with it first…and remember to use a “SAFE” word…and use sterile needles.

Are you sure you love your wife?

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear IVFmale, Sperm Out!

Sorry folks. Works been keeping me busy, but we all need a break once in a while…right! An interesting group of searches this week. Let’s get started…

—ivf male blogspot

Uhm. I’m on wordpress. But you found me anyway so you’re forgiven.
Nothing against blogspot, I just like wordpress.

—4dp3dt temperature spike

Stop! I know it’s a long wait and old habits die hard. Give the basal thermometer a rest. One thing I’ve learned is symptom checking during IVF isn’t helpful. It might mean implantation is occurring, but it could also be a hundred other reasons too. You’re just making the roller coaster ride worse. Good luck with your beta and I’m wishing you a BFP!

—poem for a ivf couple trying

Well since you asked…

There once was a couple trying to conceive,
hopes for a family they would soon achieve,
a doctor they would pay
IVF’s the only way
a journey harder than any would believe.

—the sperm out last time

😆 I honestly haven’t a clue what you’re hoping to find. Something about this search reminded me of the song Le Freak by Chic and what Weird Al Yankovic might have done with it. Let’s have some fun shall we?

Le Sperm by IVFmale.
(Satire of Le Freak by Chic)

Chorus:
Ah, sperm out!
Le sperm, c’est chic
Sperm out!
Ah, sperm out!
Le sperm, c’est chic
Sperm out!

Have you heard about the new fun craze?
Listen to me, I’m sure you’ll be amazed
Big fun to be had by every male
It’s up to you, it surely can not fail

Young and old are doing it, I’m told
Just one try and you too will be sold
It’s called ‘Le Sperm’, I’m doing it right now
Allow me, I will show you how

(chorus)

All that pressure got you down
Has your head been spinning all around?
Feel the rhythm, there’s no crime
Come on along and have a real good time

Like the days of jerking as a boy
Now we “sperm,” oh, what a joy
Just head on in through the bathroom door
Try not to shoot it on the floor

(chorus)

Now sperm
I said sperm
Now sperm

All that pressure got you down
Has your head been spinning all around?
Feel the rhythm, there’s no crime
Come on along and have a real good time

Like the days of jerking as a boy
Now we “sperm,” oh, what a joy
Just head on in through the bathroom door
Try not to shoot it on the floor

(chorus)

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear IVFmale, Fun IVF games

It is becoming clear to me that Bandit is more popular with the search engines than I am. Which perplexes me since I only have a few posts dealing with our new puppy. “Cock tese” has been my top search hitter the last few weeks. I went to Mr. Google and typed in “cock tese” and my website was the first one! I then tried it on the image search and saw…

Well no wonder he is getting so many hits. Who could possibly resist that face!

Let’s see what else the list has this week.

—menopur green box

I guess someone was wanting a picture of menopur in a green box for some reason. Who knows.

Yes menopur comes in a green box.

—wife pressed
—insemination games

Either someone is messing with me, or my blog is getting some word of mouth advertising and this is how they found me. Strangely enough, both options I think are positives.

What else…several I’ve already answered…oh this one looks good!

—fun games to explain ivf

???

I’m just going to assume this is a school teacher looking for activities to help explain IVF. I think I can come up with a few…

Instead of pin the tail on the donkey you could play “Poke the infertile with a syringe.” Have the kids cut out paper syringes. Put a little tape on the back of each one. Put up a poster of a woman’s lower back and draw circles on both sides by the hipbone. Blindfold, spin and send forward. Whomever is closest wins!

How about fresh semen relay races? Fill a small paper cup with milk. Have a team of 3 members. First is the donor, second is the technician, third is the embryologist. Have them run around a track passing the cup to each stage. Penalties for each ounce of milk spilled. First team to cross the finish with the fewest penalties wins!

Or maybe an “unhealthy sperm grab bag.” Collect a bunch of dead AA batteries, add 2 or 3 good AA batteries. Then have the kids pick them out of a bag. Plug them into some device needing an AA battery and if it turns on…they win a prize.

Does anyone else have any suggestions for games to help explain IVF to kids?

Now if this is an infertility party for adults to help explain IVF, well then…

Pee on a stick! Points off for getting it on your hands.

Try to achieve an erection in a bathroom on a folding chair while people talk about what you are doing on the other side of the door! Fastest wins.

Instead of the the 2ww have the 10 minute wait. Sit on a chair holding 2 electrodes. If you move, you get shocked. If you last the 10 minutes you may get shocked, or you may get a cookie.

The female pumped up on hormones game. If the male can last 10 minutes of verbal abuse and frantic crying, he wins a prize.

Any more ideas for the adult infertility party?

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear IVFmale, Other Search Terms?

Howdy folks. Well unlike last week when the cupboard was bare, this week was a cornucopia of new search requests. Let’s jump right in shall we…

—“my testosterone increased”

Well whoop-ti freakin do! Now I don’t say that to put you down, only to make you cautious. You see, my testosterone increased while on hCG too. Two months later my sperm count actually went down. What I don’t know for sure is why it went down. It may have been the hCG, or could have just been a bad time for me. There is also the possibility about a week before my S/A test, I had the brilliant idea to keep the sperm factory cool by removing all the hair in the area using a depilatory cream…which, as it turns out, is a BAD IDEA. Don’t do it! Try to keep the crazy infertile thoughts at bay.

Anyway, I hope you have better luck, but don’t get your hopes up like I did.

—condoms used in fertility clinics

They have loads of condoms in fertility clinics. Every time my wife had to get an ultrasound with Mr. Dildowand they used a condom. But did they think to provide me with one to use for my sperm collection? Hell no! Do you know how much easier the whole process would have been if I could have collected into a condom instead of trying to work it with one hand, hold the cup in the other hand, all the while worried about missing the cup and having to do it all over again a few days later? The targeting isn’t very accurate. If you’re lucky they will have a sign in the room saying you can request one if needed. But honestly, by the time you notice the sign you’re halfway there already. We’re guys! We don’t ask for directions, why would they think we would be willing to ask them for a condom? Just leave one on the counter next to a sign saying, “Use it if you need it!” Sheesh.

I could go on all day about this topic, but other people need help.

—wife doing ivf become a complete bitch

I know I’ve answered this before, but I thought this was a good example of how to clearly state your problem to Mr. Google to get a result that may actually benefit you.

You don’t say. It’s the medication talking! I know it feels like a long couple of weeks, but you’ll be fine. I’m sure you’re buddy will be more than happy to hide your weapons collection for a few days.

—unmarried couple having a baby through ivf

This is what bothered me about having to wait 6 months to use donor sperm from someone you knew, but not married to. I honestly don’t know what the requirements are for going through IVF if you’re not married. But my RE did clarify that the 6 month wait was for donors from people you’re not having sex with. It’s all pretty vague to me. Do you have to sign some legal paper saying person X and person Y are regularly having sex and are exempt from the 6 month waiting period? I’m not sure how they checked we are married. I may have needed our marriage license in the beginning, but I don’t recall.

Either way you can still have a baby using ivf. The only questionable point is if the male partner can donate using fresh sperm, or if the doctors must follow the procedures outlined by the FDA and go the frozen route. Assuming of course your are in the United States. If you reside in a different country, your doctor should know what laws they must follow. It’s best if you ask the reproductive specialist these questions.

—Other Search Terms
—Uknown Search Terms

Now a few weeks ago I received this one and I ignored it as a fluke. But this week it popped up on my list again…twice. What the hell are you looking for? And why are you compelled to click on a link to a blog about infertility?

Or did the search term get lost and Google provided a generic “Other Search Terms” as filler. Maybe these are what Google provides us when the privacy mode is turned on. If that’s the case…it is entirely unfair and is depriving me of being able to poke fun at them! Hmph!

Any ideas what this could possibly mean?

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear Ivfmale, POAS poems?

This week looks like a bust. Not much on the search engine list of note. A new one for “DPchallenge” since I’ve started participating in the Daily Post Challenge for fun. But I must admit, “Daily Post” is not what comes to mind when I think of DPchallenge. Probably what caught my attention in the first place.

I also had one person looking for “IVF poetry” that caught my attention. I have been in a poetic mood as of late. I’ve found it very therapeutic in expressing emotions that I’m struggling with. I’ll be doing more of it to be sure, but poetry should also be about helping others. I’m interested in writing poems on topics that are normally overlooked.

I haven’t seen much poetry dealing with peeing on a stick (POAS). Barrenart has a lovely one called Pink that touches on the subject. But nothing on the addiction that is afflicting the infertile community.

For inspiration I turned to self-confessed POAS addict and good online friend Belle from Scrambled-Eggs, and her post on Tuesday about her latest experience with POAS.
I already made sure she wasn’t offended by the poem. 😉 She loved it! 😀

A P.O.A.S. Story

By Matthew Wanner

Who is this Chick?
Her name is Belle.
If life is a journey.
She has been through hell.

Belle has an addiction.
One you may not see.
She will purchase a stick,
and on it pee, pee, pee.

She pees in the morning.
When she knows it’s best.
But she will also pee at night.
Just to get some rest.

These sticks aren’t cheap,
they cost quite a lot.
When the bill will arrive,
the Professor will be hot.

But what can he do,
she is the love of his life.
He said those magic words,
that made her his wife.

Then something happened,
as Belle was peeing with glee.
A hint of a line,
one she could barely see.

She called the Professor,
begged him to come quick.
“Do you see a line?”
And showed him the stick.

“I think I do.”
he proudly exclaimed.
Agreeing to caution.
Excitement should be contained.

Belle continued to pee,
until her hearts delight.
Buying fresh sticks,
to pee on day and night.

She wanted to be sure.
A line everyone could see.
She would be a Mom.
Announcing her BFP!

© copyright 2011-2012

MFI Condoms

Struggling with how to tell your girlfriend you suffer from male factor infertility? Unsure how to bring up the topic in conversation? Scared how she will react to the news? Or just tired of being asked to wear a condom to avoid pregnancy, when you know it isn’t doing a god damn thing?

Introducing MFI Condoms!

Picture the scene. An intimate evening, together in each others arms. She whispers in your ear, “Put on a condom.” Choose a MFI Condom and watch the magic happen!

Scientifically designed so the tip tears open, allowing you to enjoy the moment as nature intended. When finished, discretely dispose of the condom. If she notices the condom broke, calmly explain there is no risk of pregnancy because of your male factor infertility. Then watch her rejoice in your ability to shoot blanks!

Warnings.

  • Using MFI Condoms orally may result in the end of your relationship.
  • Not intended to prevent HIV or STD’s.
  • Only use spermicide with MFI Condoms if you plan on blaming it for the condom breaking. You’re infertile, you don’t need spermicide!
  • Do not use if either you or your partner is allergic to latex. We do carry a non-latex product at double the price.
  • Do not try blowing up MFI Condoms using air or water. Hand it to your buddy and watch it pop in his face.
  • Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sexual activity
  • If an erection lasts longer that 4 hours, seek medical attention.
  • Ivfmale Inc. is not responsible if you are caught because you were stupid enough not to hide the wrapper with the warning label “This Product does not prevent pregnancy.” The FDA makes us put that warning on the wrapper. That’s what the blank stickers provided were for.
  • Shameless plug for Dpchallenge.
  • Results may vary. Some women be crazy.
  • Product was not intended to be used by women to trick fertile men into getting them pregnant.
  • If pregnancy does result from use of product. First get a DNA test to make sure the baby is yours! If results are positive, cherish that miracle everyday, because you likely will not get another one.

Get your woman to celebrate your male factor infertility. Ask your doctor about MFI Condoms!
Available only by prescription.
For a limited time only. Free IQ test with each refill order.

© copyright 2011-2012