The interesting thing about being the male partner going through fertility testing, is you are not the patient. The female is the patient. Well that is the reason the clinic gives for calling my wife with the test results of MY semen analysis instead of me. Basically I’m just an ejaculation machine, well don’t I feel special. The problem is that leaves me asking second hand questions that I know my wife doesn’t know the answer too, but I end up asking anyway because I’m not thinking in those terms.
Wife: “The doctor called and said your sperm count was very low. They want you to call and schedule another test.”
Me: “Very low…What does that mean?”
Wife: “I don’t know baby, they just said it was very low.”
Now after taking the test I did some research on what they are looking for in the sample I provided so I would not be in the dark when the results came back. I know they are expecting a sperm count of 20 million or more per milliliter. They check the motility (are they moving forward and at an active pace) expecting 50% or above. They check the morphology by checking 200 sperm and noting any defects they might have. Then they also check pH levels and white blood counts. Basically the test is more than just quantity, but also quality and concentration levels. Just saying a sperm count is low could mean any number of things. Then they had to qualify it with the word “very”. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I called the clinic to rekindle my affair with the folding chair in the bathroom, and to get some answers.
Nurse: “The good news is your pH level and white blood counts are normal. The motility is normal at 50%. The bad news is they only found 4.”
Me: “4 what? 4 million, 4 thousand, 4…”
Nurse: “No, just 4 period. Only 2 that were actively moving”
Me: “Is this because I masturbated too much as a teenager. I worked very hard proving it does not make you go blind.”
Nurse: “No sir, we just need you to come in for another test in a couple weeks. One test doesn’t not prove anything.”
So I’m off to see if I can duplicate my amazing feat of firing it into a cup once again.