The sadness has given way to numbness. I’m not sure if that is progress or not. The few bright spots this week were the BFP’s of other IF travelers. My heartfelt congratulations to all of them! 🙂
But for us right now it feels like purgatory until our Why The Fail/What The Fuck (WTF) meeting on October 4th. We’ve had an offer from family to pay for the next attempt and we are considering the offer. The idea of putting someone else in debt and still end up with nothing is leaving a knot in my stomach. While we would like to try again…knowing the emotional toll this cycle took on us it isn’t something we are looking forward too. Much less get excited about. I mainly want to find out if the Doctor learned anything from this cycle they feel they can improve on with another cycle. We will then talk it over and make sure the family understands the risks before committing to another attempt.
In other news my sister and her boyfriend are coming to visit on Monday and we are going to Universal Studios to celebrate her Birthday. We are looking forward to spending time with family since we live several hours away from both our families. Should be fun.
We are also looking for a puppy. The wife has been busy searching while I’ve been getting everything squared away with the Landlord. I think it will be a good distraction if we do try for another IVF cycle, so I caved and said yes. So look forward to that announcement soon.
I’ve also had some further musings about the moon. I’m putting together a post about that to keep my mind occupied. Saturday I’ll be properly half-ass researching this one.
Sorry for the jumbled mess of a post, but that’s sort of what this feels like right now. Stuck in no-mans-land with nowhere to go. All we can do is try to stay busy while waiting. At least this wait doesn’t have the anxiety the 2ww did.
The verdict is…
…I make bad decisions when I get emotional. Sweetie you were right. All the advice on the internet was correct. Unless you have a condition where the doctors know HCG works to improve sperm production, it just doesn’t work for the rest of us. So there is $1200 out the door. If there had been a reasonable chance this might work, it wouldn’t bother me. The doctor himself said there was only a small chance this might work, coupled with the advice on the internet and from my wife, I knew this was a long shot.
Like betting on a 12 in dice where the rewards are big, but the odds are small; I was blinded by the chance of being normal. That maybe this might increase my production to a level where we could conceive naturally and forget all this IVF stuff. I’m looking at this simply as another lesson on why I need to stop making decisions when my emotions take over, and moving on.
The odd thing is I went from 4 to zero. The doctor wants me to wait a couple of weeks, then do another semen analysis. Except this time he wants me to go to the main office an hour away in a major city to have it done. That way they can freeze any sperm they find. He wants me to create a bank of specimens so when the egg retrieval takes place, he has some backup to go too if my semen doesn’t contain any on that particular day. I’m guessing another affair with a different folder chair.
Boost the juice.
Great news is with the tax refund and financing we are giving IVF a shot. The high level outline of the process goes like this.
- Egg Retrieval
- Fertilize eggs
- Implant a few embryos
- Freeze remaining embryos
- Check for pregnancy
I’ll go into more detail when we get to each stage of the process, but that is basically it. The nice part is that we hope to have enough viable embryos so if the first round doesn’t result in pregnancy, we can try a couple more times at a much cheaper price.
However, we agreed that when the embryos were gone, we were done. I hate being the one to force this decision now. For starters, it gives my wife the false idea that I really don’t want to go through with this. She looks at the cost and understandably it scares her to spend all that money on something that may not work out. I absolutely want to go through with this. For me, the only failure is not to try. I think I would regret not trying a lot more than spending the money with nothing to show for it. It’s important to remember we are spending money on the attempt, not the result. When I look at it that way, the money is well spent, regardless of what happens. I also know that when I get emotional, I make stupid decisions. It is important for myself to set this boundary now, when I’m calm and thinking rationally. Cost is only part of the equation in this decision. Emotionally I don’t think I could handle another attempt. For now, that is the stopping point. We also agree she gets a dog at that point.
Before we start IVF, the doctor wants to try to boost my production levels using HCG shots. HCG boosts the level of testosterone in the testes in the hopes this will increase production. I take a shot 3 times a week for 3 months. After one month the clinic will draw blood to see if my testosterone level has increased, but it takes 3 months before they know if there is a sperm production increase with me having another rendezvous with Ms. folding chair and a cup. This means a 3 month delay before we can start, which the wife is not happy about. She has read these shots don’t work.
All I know is rich folks are somehow using HCG to lose weight, therefore driving up demand and the price. Since I’m using it for fertility purposes they do have a discount program, But I’m still spending a lot more than I probably would be before this weight loss discovery. I must focus on the positive that this might help me.