The Magic Conception Ball
Are you tired of feeling like sex is a monthly chore in your quest for a baby? Do you reminisce about the days when intimacy was exciting and fun? Looking to bring back that mystery of what your partner may have in store, instead of sex just becoming a bore?
Introducing the Magic Conception Balls™!
Purchase a Magic Conception Ball™ and watch your partner’s quizzical face turn to delight in remembering how much fun procreating can be. If this invention had been around in Ancient India, the Kama Sutra would have needed another volume. The opportunities are only limited by your flexibility and your imagination!
Let’s look at some of the benefits the Magic Conception Ball™ has over other intimacy aids.
The Magic Conception Ball™ hides in plain site. Nothing embarrassing you must hide away under a drawer full of socks. No weird questions about those “hooks” in the bedroom ceiling. Anyone spotting the Magic Conception Ball™ will assume it’s exercise equipment and will not even raise a question. Only you and your partner know what its real purpose is for.
Allows for a more intense workout saving you time by combining exercise and procreating. You can work on strengthening your core, lose weight and knock out a baby making session all at once! How many items around your home have so many positive benefits while saving you time?
This is a multi-functional tool with multiple uses beyond conception. Besides the most obvious being exercise, the Magic Conception Ball can be used as an office chair, working your core while you work. It makes a handy additional seating location so that one extra person doesn’t have to sit on the floor. Once you’re pregnant, the ball provides a great low impact workout keeping the body tone, fit, and ready for childbirth. After the birth, the ball can assist in bouncing the baby back to sleep as you sit on the ball holding your little miracle.
Easy to clean. Just wipe down with soap and water. No electrical parts to worry about.
No need to visit an embarrassing Adult store. You can purchase one of these miracle wonders at your local discount store hiding in the “exercise” section for around $10. Pick one up, and walk out the door without any one judging you as strange or weird.
While the Magic Conception Ball™ doesn’t guarantee conception, it will make trying to conceive a whole lot more fun and interesting.
Pick one up for your partner this Valentine’s Day. And remember, I spent my money on IVF, so if you get hurt, suing me would be pointless!
Please cut my arms off!
Last week began the start of my new weightlifting routine. Having lifted weights in high school I’m not a novice, however I probably would have been better off if I were.
I remembered much of what I learned in my class years ago. Starting with weights that weren’t too heavy. Focusing on my form and breathing during the exercise routines. Surprised myself by finding that my abs are still in good shape. Worked my right and left obliques, crunches and crunch leg raise combos, all together about 120 reps total and still wasn’t pushing very hard to avoid injury. (A gift from my gymnastics and tae kwon do instructors, the evil bastards.) Anyway, if I can eliminate this spare tire I know there is a nice set of abs underneath just waiting to be shown off.
The next day I felt pretty good. A little sore as I expected, but nothing too uncomfortable and the slight soreness reminded me the muscles were busy repairing themselves. I could feel my body burning energy instead of storing it as fat.
When I woke up the 2nd morning, that’s when the DOMS hit. What are DOMS? It stands for Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness. OW! No, that’s not good enough…
I couldn’t hold my arms straight. Reaching for a coffee cup was near impossible. I had no choice but to walk around for two days holding my arms at an angle like a gorilla. It was painful driving to work, putting on my shoes…anything that required extending my arm was torture!
I searched for the heating pad only to find and remember Bandit had chewed the cord as a puppy. Finally I found an almost empty tube of IcyHot that brought some relief. Coupled with ibuprofen I was finally able to go to sleep that night.
I don’t recall going through this much pain when I started lifting weights in high school. Maybe the instructor had started us on a lower weight than I remembered to avoid this situation. Luckily I’m reading that once you’ve broken the muscle in again, the likelihood of dealing with DOMS after future workouts is far less.
Now I’m feeling pretty good. Surprisingly I’m excited about exercising and for once I don’t dread doing it. Having a workout partner is a big help.
So far I’ve lost 3.5 pounds between diet and exercise. I’m not expecting those results every week, but I am encouraged by it. More exciting is I’m down a belt loop and I’m no longer teetering on the brink of requiring a bigger belt.
Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I’ve got a long road ahead of me, but I’m confident I can get where I’d like to be.
240 Oh No!
Back when I went to the urgent care clinic over the holidays, I received some bad news having nothing to do with why I was at the clinic. I stepped on the scale to be weighed, fully expecting to have gained back all the weight I had lost. I’d lost control of my eating habits and I just didn’t care anymore. I still ate whole grain, used lean beef, avoided potatoes, so I hadn’t completely lost control. By my willpower to say no like I could before was gone.
Sure I made goodies once in a while, but it wasn’t like I was baking a pan a brownies every other day. Maybe once a month I would make a homemade treat. The problem was portions and snacking. I was eating like an alcoholic drinks beer to forget.
Then there were the goodies other people would bring into work. Since the cube opposite me is empty, guess where they like to put all the cookies, cupcakes, brownies and donuts? All day I watch people enter the cube across from me and walk out with something delicious in their hands. With my willpower gone, knowing what was going to happen if I fell for the temptation, I’d try one. Just like an alcoholic, I couldn’t eat just one. It’s not like anyone would notice me sneaking another treat 5 minutes later; since the only person who could notice sits across the hall and just happens to be me.
While everyone else may have only had 1 or 2 treats, I would end up having 4 or 5 before I started kicking myself for eating one in the first place.
So I stood on the scale and heard the nurse announce “Weight 240”.
What? Crap! That is 5 pounds heavier than I’ve ever been. Son of a BITCH! That’s 100 pounds heavier than I was 15 years ago before starting a desk job.
I avoided making weight loss a New Years resolution. Not only would that be completely cliche, but just giving it that label seems like I’m expecting to fail. My goal for now is to get under 200. I hardly ever eat fast food. My diet is healthier than most of the people I know. (Except my father who is a health nut.) I already eat a lot of chicken breast and veggies. Other than cutting back on sweets, which I will be doing, there isn’t much more I can do besides counting calories. I like math, but trying to figure out how many points my homemade meal costs me just adds to my frustration. So to accomplish this goal I’m focusing on exercise, which I hate.
Whenever I exercise on my own, I just end up watching the clock waiting for it to be over. If I can establish a routine, I’m better at sticking with exercise…until the day comes along forcing me to break my routine. There always seems to be some need to travel out of town, or I come down sick which means I can’t exercise. Getting back on the horse for some reason is always hard after being forced off.
To help combat my laziness and make exercise more than something I dread doing. I’m teaming up with a friend to lift weights. Hopefully this buddy system will keep me committed to exercising. This way I’m talking to someone rather than just watching the clock. We can push each other to finish just one more rep. And since he has a pretty nice set up at his house, I’m not going to a gym feeling like everyone is looking at the big guy huffing it on the treadmill.
Also the wife and I are planning more morning walks with Bandit.
I’M DOING THIS.
I have to. I’m tired of being the big guy. I’m tired of having a closet full of perfectly good clothes that I can’t fit into, hoping I would lose the weight one day.
This weight is going bye-bye.
I promise to have a Bandit post soon. Time just hasn’t been on my side this week. 🙂