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Dear Ivfmale, POAS poems?

This week looks like a bust. Not much on the search engine list of note. A new one for “DPchallenge” since I’ve started participating in the Daily Post Challenge for fun. But I must admit, “Daily Post” is not what comes to mind when I think of DPchallenge. Probably what caught my attention in the first place.

I also had one person looking for “IVF poetry” that caught my attention. I have been in a poetic mood as of late. I’ve found it very therapeutic in expressing emotions that I’m struggling with. I’ll be doing more of it to be sure, but poetry should also be about helping others. I’m interested in writing poems on topics that are normally overlooked.

I haven’t seen much poetry dealing with peeing on a stick (POAS). Barrenart has a lovely one called Pink that touches on the subject. But nothing on the addiction that is afflicting the infertile community.

For inspiration I turned to self-confessed POAS addict and good online friend Belle from Scrambled-Eggs, and her post on Tuesday about her latest experience with POAS.
I already made sure she wasn’t offended by the poem. ūüėČ She loved it! ūüėÄ

A P.O.A.S. Story

By Matthew Wanner

Who is this Chick?
Her name is Belle.
If life is a journey.
She has been through hell.

Belle has an addiction.
One you may not see.
She will purchase a stick,
and on it pee, pee, pee.

She pees in the morning.
When she knows it’s best.
But she will also pee at night.
Just to get some rest.

These sticks aren’t cheap,
they cost quite a lot.
When the bill will arrive,
the Professor will be hot.

But what can he do,
she is the love of his life.
He said those magic words,
that made her his wife.

Then something happened,
as Belle was peeing with glee.
A hint of a line,
one she could barely see.

She called the Professor,
begged him to come quick.
“Do you see a line?”
And showed him the stick.

“I think I do.”
he proudly exclaimed.
Agreeing to caution.
Excitement should be contained.

Belle continued to pee,
until her hearts delight.
Buying fresh sticks,
to pee on day and night.

She wanted to be sure.
A line everyone could see.
She would be a Mom.
Announcing her BFP!

© copyright 2011-2012

MFI Condoms

Struggling with¬†how to tell your girlfriend you suffer from¬†male factor infertility? Unsure how to bring up the topic in conversation? Scared how she will react to the news? Or just tired¬†of being¬†asked to wear a condom to avoid pregnancy, when¬†you know it¬†isn’t doing a god damn thing?

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Picture the scene. An intimate evening, together in each others arms. She whispers in your ear, “Put on a condom.”¬†Choose a MFI Condom and watch the magic happen!

Scientifically designed so the tip tears open, allowing you to enjoy the moment as nature intended. When finished, discretely dispose of the condom. If she notices the condom broke, calmly explain there is no risk of pregnancy because of your male factor infertility. Then watch her rejoice in your ability to shoot blanks!

Warnings.

  • Using MFI Condoms orally may result in the end of your relationship.
  • Not intended to prevent HIV or STD’s.
  • Only use spermicide¬†with MFI¬†Condoms if you plan on blaming¬†it for¬†the condom breaking. You’re infertile, you don’t need spermicide!
  • Do not use if either you or your partner is allergic to latex. We do carry a non-latex product at double the price.
  • Do not try blowing up MFI Condoms using air or water. Hand it to your buddy and watch it pop in his face.
  • Ask your doctor if you are healthy enough for sexual activity
  • If an erection lasts longer that 4 hours, seek medical attention.
  • Ivfmale¬†Inc. is not responsible if you are caught because you were stupid enough not to hide the wrapper with the warning label “This Product does not prevent pregnancy.” The FDA makes us put that warning on the wrapper. That’s what the blank stickers provided were for.
  • Shameless plug for Dpchallenge.
  • Results may vary. Some women be crazy.
  • Product was not intended to be used by women to trick fertile men into getting them pregnant.
  • If pregnancy does result from use of product. First get a DNA test to make sure the baby is yours! If results are positive, cherish that miracle everyday, because you likely will not get another one.

Get your woman to celebrate your male factor infertility. Ask your doctor about MFI Condoms!
Available only by prescription.
For a limited time only. Free IQ test with each refill order.

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear Ivfmale, Poetry

It’s Wednesday, so lets see what the search engine report has for me this week. Hmm, not much.

—my¬†wife is not commited¬†to ivf

Sounds like my ex-wife. She would be gung-ho¬†about some together project in the beginning, and half way through it she would lose interest leaving me to finish the job. I imagine if I found out about my infertility back then, I would likely be in the situation you are right now. The ivf¬†process is very hard on a woman’s body and emotional state. Pushing her into a decision she isn’t committed to will only backfire. The stimulation meds will guarantee this. Take time to build up your savings and see if she comes around.

—ivf with new puppy

Not sure what you are looking for here. I’ve found the new puppy to be a good distraction. He will keep you busy playing, peeing on the rug, chewing on things he shouldn’t, there is always something to do or watch for with a¬†new puppy. Although it may complicate the already complicated schedule of stimulation drugs and doctor appointments, you will be thankful for the puppy’s ability to demand your attention.

————

That’s it? Maybe better luck next week. Anyway, I’m really excited my poem was reblogged by Barrenart yesterday. Check her blog out. I think¬†this is a brilliant idea to have an Infertile Art Gallery of sorts.¬†Since it’s a slow search week and I’m feeling inspired,¬†I leave you another poem that I’ve been pondering…

Male Factor Condoms

By Matthew Wanner

Purchased in bulk.
Hating each one of you.
Protecting plans for the future.
Suffering Awkwardness

All for nothing.
Hating each one of you.
Avoided buying stereo.
Money flushed down toilet.

Crap! No refunds.

Happy Humpday!

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear Ivfmale, Confused?

Time for another Dear Ivfmale where I look at what people were searching for when they found my blog. This is my way of helping others with whatever is troubling them. Looking at the list for the last couple of weeks I’m a bit disappointed. Either the search engines are getting better at targeting my page away from those with questionable motives, or those people are¬†becoming wiser. But now I’m left with people who really need to take a class in googling. If I’m confused about what you are wanting, the search engine is going to be confused as well, pointing you in unhelpful¬†directions.

—ivf bitch wife

  1. Now is your wife a bitch for wanting ivf? How dare she want to have your kid.
  2. Is she a bitch because of the stimulation medications? Yes those medications sure can give your wife mood swings. Blame the medication and let it go. She needs your support right now, this is one of those times you need to just brush it off and take things in stride.
  3. Are you going through IVF with a woman who was already a bitch wife? Can’t help you there. You married her.

—male¬†delay ivf

Honestly what were you hoping to find with that search? There is only one reason why doctors would delay ivf¬†due to the male partner and that is because they want to improve his sperm. Either in count or in quality. Now maybe a male might want to delay ivf¬†due to financial or emotional reasons. Although doctors may just care about us making love to a plastic cup and then forgetting about us. The male partner is on the same emotional roller coaster during this time (sans stimulation drugs of course), and the ivf process without¬†insurance sure does rip a hole in the wallet. But I’m still left confused what are you really looking for?

—engelse¬†cocker spaniel chocolade bond

Huh?!? WTF does that mean? Oh wait, it’s Dutch. ūüėÜ Thank you google translator.

—English cocker spaniel chocolate bond

You were looking at Bandit weren’t you. Bandit is half Cocker Spaniel and half Maltese, or Cock-tese. The English Cocker Spaniel has a bigger muzzle and¬†a different look with side curtains.

English Cocker Spaniel source

Bandit is going to be smaller because of his¬†Maltese mother. He is a sweet puppy as it is. I don’t see the need to be bonding chocolate to him.¬† Bandit would probably just end up eating the chocolate and I’ve always heard that giving your dog chocolate was bad. And if he didn’t eat it, you would just end up getting dog hair all over your chocolate. Who would want to eat chocolate dog hair? Or were you looking for a pie¬†filling to go with semen meringue?

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear Ivfmale, Semen Meringue?

It’s Wednesday and time for Dear Ivfmale. Several interesting searches this week so let’s see what we have…

— kids playing “sex doctor” with each other

Go to your favorite search engine and type in “help with pedophile thoughts” and call the first doctor on this list¬†in your area. Seriously, get some help.

—hcg doesn’t work for sperm now what

I’m glad you asked. First you get to pay off the inflated price of all those HCG¬†drugs thanks to those folks using it to lose weight. Next depending on how low your count is the doctors¬†may try collecting several samples to combine into a super sample¬†inserted into your wife¬†using an¬†IUI¬†procedure. Otherwise they are probably going to recommend IVF with the ICSI¬†procedure if your count is as low as mine. Personally I would go for the IVF first and go for the cheaper options later when the bank account forces that on you. I would hate¬†for my best option to be out of my price range when I would have been able to afford it several attempts prior.¬†Unless insurance will help cover those other procedures then by all means go for those IUI’s¬†or Natural IVF’s¬†then.

—english woman &man how love each

This one broke my heart a little. It was on a slow day and this popped up on my report the same time I saw someone from Pakistan had viewed my blog. I believe love is a universal human emotion that transcends class, race and culture. It’s a word with many facets covering all the¬†different forms of love. If you want a truly english perspective of love, watch the movie “Love Actually” if it is available to you. If you are looking for a better relationship with your husband, try searching for “How english women manipulate men.” Trick your husband into treating you better may allow for more communication between the two of you. From there you can work on building a loving relationship. Throughout history there have been many powerful women in male dominated societies. That power starts with learning how to manipulate men without them knowing it, so I would recommend starting there.

—meringue from semen

I know meringue with egg whites is formed by whipping air into the protein molecules of the egg whites. As you whip the whites the protein molecules lock together trapping the air inside forming the meringue. Adding sugar will add strength to these bonds preventing it from falling flat. Now fats have the opposite effect on these bonds allowing the air to escape. Which is why breaking a yolk into the egg whites makes it near impossible to get a nice fluffy meringue. I do know the spermatozoa contains fat it¬†uses for energy needed for the journey to the egg. So if you are having problems with making meringue from semen you might try finding someone with a very low sperm count. What…you’re inviting me to dinner? Thanks but I couldn’t…pie for dessert you say. Sounds delicious but really no¬†thanks. I just started my diet 2 minutes ago. I’m so sorry.

—why is my bladder in sync with bathroom cleaning schedule

Alright fine. This wasn’t on my search engine report. But I¬†sure would like to know why every day the urge calls and I walk over to a bathroom closed for cleaning.

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear Ivfmale, The good news and bad news

Well it is¬†Wednesday and time for Dear Ivfmale. I’m afraid I have some bad news. My nifty search engine report contained no new search requests that I haven’t answered already. Just more people looking for sex doctors and male torture. The good news however is there’s no way that’s going to prohibit me from being helpful anyway. So to help my infertile brethren, I’m listing the pros and cons of Severe Male Factor Infertility.

BAD news
You have Male Factor Infertility and are practically shooting blanks.
GOOD news
You just fulfilled your teenage fantasy of having sex like crazy for a whole year.
BAD news
Having one of your chores be sex sounded a lot more fun when you were a teenager.
GOOD news
Baby making sex is now off that list and you can go back to making love to your wife.
BAD news
Your new chore is making love to a plastic cup…in a bathroom…on a folding chair.
GOOD news
You never have to worry about getting a vasectomy.
BAD news
You’ve wasted hundreds of dollars on condoms to avoid pregnancy.
GOOD news
Using ICSI and IVF you can actually have a child that is yours.
BAD news
The price tag with no guarantees.
GOOD news
You have doctor’s orders to start poking your wife in the butt.
BAD news
It’s with a big freaking needle that scares you as much as it scares her.
GOOD news
For once your wife doesn’t mind you looking at dirty magazines.
BAD news
Down the hall is a guy putting items into your wife’s fun zone. And you’re paying him for it.
GOOD news
Your wife is not enjoying this any more than you are.
BAD news
YOU BETTER START ENJOYING IT if you have any hope of providing your contribution into that plastic cup!
GOOD news
There is help for that folding chair fetish you’ve developed, I hope, I hope, I hope…

© copyright 2011-2012

Infertilish 101

You’ve found out you have a fertility problem and want to learn more about it. Perhaps you want to meet others dealing with similar issues for comfort and understanding. Welcome. This is a very friendly and understanding community. Infertility may have caused us to develop a warped sense of humor and you do get the occasional fits of rage against those who procreate without even trying (teens, crack heads, relatives who’ve only been married a month)…but you’ll soon understand those feelings if you aren’t starting to already. What you will be confronted with is a new language that you may not understand, Infertilish.

In our frustration from not being able to procreate with just a man and a woman, we infertile’s start smashing together several disciplines in our desperate attempt for anything to help us Trying To Conceive (TTC). You have the chemists with their sticks in urine hoping for a line to tell them today is the day. The women call it Peeing On A Stick (POAS) and this is done for ovulation tests and pregnancy tests. There are the biologists checking cervical mucus looking for the right indicator. You will also see the charters taking their temperature every morning looking for the spike telling them an egg is on route and Baby Making Sex (BMS) must start immediately. Many may be doing all 3 at the same time. Then they add more disciplines of natural medicine using herbs, acupuncture and maybe even others before the couple decided to go to a doctor looking for answers.

Since we are familiar by now with smashing disciplines together, that is what happened with the Infertilish language.  The language combines cryptography, chronology and mathematics to form its base structure. With a few lines an infertile can cram their entire infertility journey. You feel the hopes in one line and their crushing sadness in the next.

You may come across something like this:
ttc 2yrs
6/7 IVF#1
7/2 BFP
8/5 m/c @ 6 weeks

11/2 IVF #2
11/26 BFN

This woman has been trying to conceive for 2 years. Started her first IVF on June 7th. The first test came back a Big “Fat” Positive but she miscarried the baby at 6 weeks. She tried her second IVF on November 2nd and the pregnancy test came back a Big “Fat” Negative on November 26th. (Some infertile folks don’t use the word fat.)

A few try to shove in what medications they used and strengths. You may also see IUI attempts as well, but this should at least give you an idea what they are talking about.

You will also see woman talking about how many DPO they are. This stands for Days Past Ovulation and is used to tell women when she can start POAS for a BFP or BFN result. Except with IVF it gets a little more complicated. For IVF you have to consider the days between Egg Retrieval (ER) and Embryo Transfer (ET). You will see these cryptic markings like 3dp5dt. This says the woman is 3 days past her 5 day transfer. You add the 3 and the 5 to figure out she is 8 dpo. Now you might be asking why bother, why not just use the dpo standard of measurement? Because Infertilish is not just about communicating information but also emotion.

Look at the following 3 women.
Susan is 9dp3dt.
Grace is 7dp5dt.
Patty is 6dp6dt.

All 3 woman are 12 dpo and itching to POAS hoping for a BFP. But Susan’s doctor’s didn’t like the progress of the embryos so they put them in early hoping for them to survive better in the womb. Grace’s doctor’s were happy with her embryo growth to keep them going for 5 days before transferring them into her womb. Patty however is from a frozen embryo transfer as fresh transfers are 2, 3 and 5 days. So she isn’t dealing with coming off of 2 weeks of stimulation drugs and the pain of egg retrieval right now. Unless she is a year past her previous attempt, more than likely her fresh attempt didn’t work out and she is dealing with that loss at the same time hoping this one works.

If you would like to learn more about Infertilish you can purchase my advanced course, “Infertilish to Parenthood 900.” For the ridiculously low price of $14,000 I will attempt to send you the course material which in 9 months you may or may not receive. However, included is a test you can run after 2 weeks to see if you’ve been screwed. All purchases are final, no refunds.

BTW we are 4dp3dt, bonus points if you can figure out how we are feeling.

© copyright 2011-2012

Dear ivfmale, IM injections?

Last week I told you how I get this report whenever someone uses a search engine to find this blog. I’ve decided to make this a regular Wednesday post, because it just looks like too much fun to pass up. All wordpress says about these terms are: “Search terms are words or phrases users find you with when they search.” So I’m not sure if that means they actually visited my page or not. (Like that would stop me from helping somebody in need.)

(I’m not including the ones from friends and family searching for this blog directly. We love all of you for your support throughout this process and it means the world to us. Thank you.)

First up.
— Sexdoctor
Sorry, I don’t have any advice on this blog about sexual performance. This is a blog about infertility. We’ve dealt with OBGYN’s, Urologist’s and Reproductive Specialist’s, but no sex doctor’s. Try including the issue you are having in your search engine for a better chance of finding a solution to your problem.

— im injections
Yes, we have done lots of those. The wife loves them…okay she tolerates them. Check out The Flavor Injector for tips on giving these injections to a loved one.

—malee womans
??? Google? What does this even mean? I hope it’s not some deal with mixed gender parts, because I know nothing about those.

—meringue cookie injector
Now I only tweeted about meringue cookies. Huh. Well I use a gallon Ziploc bag filled with my meringue cookie mixture, then snip the corner. But this just makes the cookies. I guess you could inject them with some sort of plastic syringe filled with chocolate or other flavorings. But the meringue is rather delicate and not sure you could do this. I know embryologists are good at inserting stuff into delicate items, one might help you out if you offered them some of the cookies.

—male doctors looking for wives
If you’re going to gold dig, don’t go for a male doctor. They work long hours and have the threat of malpractice claims eating into your hard earned shoe and purse money. I would search for “male finance executives looking for wives.” Or “male hedge fund managers looking for wives.” Even a junior hedge fund manager can make $450,000 dollars a year between salary and bonuses. If he moves up to a head manager that’s well over a million a year in salary alone. You’d need a new house just for shoes and purses.

—youknowofanymaledoctorswholovesgivinghandjobs
I know a urologist who gives a firm testicle check, but I didn’t get the sense he loved doing it. Thankfully. Sorry. I’ll tell you what…since I am unable to help you, I’m offering a full refund. The check is in the mail. I’m sure if you hold your breath it will arrive any minute.

© copyright 2011-2012

Searching for a relaxing day

Since we started the stimulation shots, it feels like I’ve been constantly busy worrying about something. That something mostly revolving around drugs of some sort. But now that we are coming upon the end of this part of the journey, I’m finally feeling relaxed. No more worrying about taking my pill twice a day. I’m finished, for now, with having to order more drugs from the specialty pharmacy and making sure someone will be home to sign when they arrive. The anxiety of giving my wife a shot no longer bothers me.

Last night I came home to a wonderful chicken and rice dinner the wife prepared, where we had an interesting conversation about sore, swollen boobs. We raided the goodies from the hurricane supplies we thankfully didn’t need. Sat together on the couch watching the hurricane coverage to make sure our relatives in Alabama were safe. Laughed and joked about the idiots on TV trying to stand up and talk into a microphone in the middle of the storm. We then finished the night giving each other shoulder rubs. This morning I made pancakes and we laughed at each others weird dreams. Yes I still had to give her shots, but my head is no longer obsessing about them. I’m feeling really good, almost normal. The wife is dealing with the discomfort of swollen boobs and swollen ovaries, but her mood is pretty good too.

A couple of weeks ago I connected this blog up with google in the hope of helping others, so their search engine can find this blog. As a bonus, I get a nifty report telling me what people searched for when they list this blog in their results. So today I looked at the list and found:

— “my wife hates me ivf too expensive”

I’m sorry your wife hates you and I completely understand thinking ivf is too expensive for you. I would shop around. You may have been referred to a clinic that has a high price tag. I felt the same way and lucked out that our clinic’s rates are reasonable enough for us to afford it. If in the end you just can’t afford ivf, her seeing you make the effort should stop her hatred of you. (I would still sleep on the couch for a while until she gives you a thumbs up.)

— “male torture”

Either you have real psychological issues, or you are in a troubling relationship and need assistance. Please get some help. I feel like I should call the police, but I’m not sure what I would tell them.

— “male troture”

See previous answer and a typing or spelling course may also be of benefit.

— “What do they do in the consultation for IVF for the male?”

I hope this person came to this blog and found some answers. Unfortunately those answers are simply ejaculate in this cup and stick this needle into your wife’s bum. But I’d like to think I’m helping somebody.

© copyright 2011-2012