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Courtesy of Mrs. Wanner.

Courtesy of Mrs. Wanner.

Your touch dances upon the surface of my skin.

My breath is stolen by the smell of your sweet kiss.

I break out in a smile feeling the warmth of your gaze.

For I have found in your loving embrace…


Vet Woes

There is one thing Bandit and I both agree on and that is going to the vet sucks.

Eleven days ago I took Bandit to the vet to be neutered for various reasons. I’m renting the condo we live in and don’t want him marking everywhere. He will be our dog and we have no interest in breeding him. The last thing I want if he ever did escape is for him to start fighting over females, or end up getting another dog pregnant then be expected to help take care of the puppy vet bills and find homes for them.

Still I felt guilty of robbing him of his fertility. And the sad look he gave me as they dragged him back, whining and straining to leave with me instead of them, nearly broke my heart. Several hours later he was delighted to see me. Microchip in place. A fixed hernia where his birth mother chewed the umbilical cord too close causing the hernia to form. And 2 testicles removed that finally dropped only the week before. He came out wearing the cone of shame to keep him from biting his sutures. Considering all this he was still one happy puppy to see me.

What did you bastards do to me?

What did you bastards do to me?

We received instructions and some pain medication hoping this would be the last we saw of the vet for a while.

Houston we have a problem. The crate we were directed to buy several months ago is just big enough for Bandit to stand up and turn around. This is to simulate the comfort of a den. Bandit loves his crate. He sleeps peacefully all night long in it. But the cone won’t fit through the crate door. And even if he did get in the door, there is no way he would be able to turn around. For some reason, Bandit thinks our bed is an acceptable place to relieve his bladder, so letting him sleep with us is out of the question.  Gating him in the bathroom makes him feel abandoned and he just whines and barks all night long.

Finally we figured out how to back Bandit into the crate. I’m surprised how quickly he picked this up. Now he starts backing up before I even have a chance to line his butt up with the door.

Two days later the after effects of the surgery hit and Bandit walked out of the crate that morning with his entire hind end brown. While I carefully tried to clean Bandit (since he wasn’t supposed to have a bath until two weeks after the surgery, but I figured leaving the area covered in feces would be worse than a bath), the wife cleaned the crate and then rushed Bandit to the Vet since the instructions said to bring him back if this occurred.  They returned with more pills for Bandit to take. The pills worked and we went about keeping him as happy as a dog could be with a cone on his head.

Throw the ball again!

Throw the ball again!

Lately he’s been begging for our help scratching his head. He’ll walk up to me then start whining and bumping his cone against me until I start scratching. (Who’s training who here?) Yesterday we figured it was time to take the cone off hoping he wouldn’t start licking his wounds. That way he could scratch his own head. It started out fine. Only a few times did we need to correct him from licking his sutures.

He’d scratch one side then the other, play some ball, lay in the corner…typical Bandit behavior. His next flea treatment is due in a couple of days, so I figured maybe he collected a couple from somewhere and a bath along with the treatment would take care of those pesky critters.

Then he kept scratching, and scratching. Soon chunks of black hair were all over the carpet. I called him over for his last outside break before bed and noticed the skin on the left side of his head was red, and there was a deep scratch over his left eyebrow that was a little swollen. Normally I can’t even see through his fur to the skin except during his bath. I checked the right side and although not nearly as bad as the left, the fur was thinner and showing some damage. To stop the guy from ripping his face off, I put the cone back on and put him to bed for the night.

This morning, his left eye was swollen halfway shut and we could both tell he was miserable. I took the morning off work and rushed him to the vet. As always Bandit steals the show. Everyone can’t get enough of Bandit’s cuteness, despite looking like he’d just woken up the morning after a bar fight.

You should see the other guy!

You should see the other guy!

You're blocking my reception.

You’re blocking my reception.

The vet walked in sporting a nice round baby bump. I’ll admit to having a fleeting “Are you fucking kidding me!” moment, but this quickly passed and I found myself feeling indifferent. My main concern was getting Bandit better. I hate seeing him suffer like this.

Turns out he has a yeast infection in both ears causing the itching discomfort. Most likely due to the cone holding his ears against his head locking in the moisture for the yeast to grow. Plus his sutures are showing signs of an infection starting. We left the vet with ear drops, eye drops, and an antibiotic and two more appointments. They want to check his eyes again in a couple days and it will be a couple weeks before they can check if the medication helped his ears.

I sure hope my little buddy gets better soon so I can take him to the beach again!

© copyright 2011-2013

Beach Bandit

Can we go play in the Tennis courts?

Can we go play ball in the tennis courts?

Sorry Bandit. Tennis courts are now off limits.



Some control freak who likes to suck the joy out of life would rather see the tennis courts remain empty and unused than allow pets inside to play.

How about we go to the beach?

What can we do at the beach?

What can we do at the beach?

Let’s go and find out.

We're what?

We’re here…now what?

You can play in the sand.

How do I get this crap off my nose?

How do I get this crap off my nose?

You can dig holes until your heart is content.

How about I dig a hole so Mom can fall in it?

How about I dig a hole so Mom can fall in it?

You can chase after people.

I'm coming to get you!

I’m coming after you!

You can enjoy the ocean view.

That's nice.

That’s nice.

You can play in the water.

I don't think so!

I don’t think so!

You can collect seashells.

People actually collect these?

People actually collect these?

You can scout the babes.

The only babe I see is Mom.

The only babe I see is Mom.

You can stalk the birds.

If you unhook this leash I might be able to catch one.

If you unhook this leash I might be able to catch one.

So what do you think?

Alright. I'll admit the beach is pretty fun.

Alright. I’ll admit the beach is pretty fun.

Let’s go home.


That was fun, when can we go again?

We’ll go again soon, but now we must clean you up.



Don’t worry, all the sand in your fur will soon be gone.

Must you photograph me in the tub?

Must you photograph me in the tub?

All done buddy. Let’s get you dried off.

About time!

About time!

Glad Mom has this old hair dryer.

Are you seriously going to leave my hair looking like this?

Are you seriously going to leave my hair looking like this?

Sorry, Mom’s the hairdresser, not I.

© copyright 2011-2013

Dear IVFmale, ivf and accomplishments

I’m constantly amazed how some people find this blog using search engines. Take my top 5 search terms this week…

One of my reasons for starting this blog was to help get the male’s perspective of the infertility story told. When I first found out about my condition, I searched the web for answers and guidance about the journey I was just starting. Most of what I found were women dealing with infertility due to a male factor condition. While helpful, it missed the mark in what I was craving. A male’s understanding of the shock I was feeling. To connect in some small way with another also dealing with the emotions of my Severe Male Factor diagnosis. A couple of good male perspective blogs were found, many were not.

One male blogger put everything in terms of Star Wars. I love Star Wars. I’m a total Star Wars geek. George Lucas turned into the Evil Empire…Han Solo shot first…Phantom and Clones are an abomination that Lucas should be ashamed of…I get the attraction of Star Wars.  I don’t want Star Wars ruined even further by linking it with infertility. Just NO!

My ivf accomplishment has been creating this blog. A place to laugh at infertility when you’re just tired of crying about it. Yet still put forward real emotion which others may fear admitting. The search engine verification process was my attempt to reach out to others just beginning their struggle with infertility.

Where men can come and understand it’s normal to feel a sense of loss after hearing bad news about you’re condition. There is still hope. Always remember, a couple will survive the hard times by working together. Sometimes you support her, other times she will support you. Don’t feel ashamed to talk to your wife about your struggles. She is probably wanting you too.

A place where a woman can learn what their husband is feeling, but he won’t speak about.  To understand men struggle just as much with the emotions of infertility that they are. We don’t go quiet because we’re cold and heartless…it’s because we care and we’re afraid to cause the woman in our life even more distress. We don’t understand that talking about what we are feeling would actually help her.  Let your man know talking about his feelings will help you both. And be a little forgiving if the words don’t come out right, because we’re not used to talking about feelings.

I’m very proud of this blog. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine it would be so popular with folks wanting to make meringue from semen and puppy pictures. Three of my top five search terms are for Bandit! Now you’re probably asking yourself, how “missing half of face” could possibly be attributed to Bandit?

I’m glad you asked; I wondered the same thing. My request to Mr. Google left me scratching my head. Nothing related to my blog, and I wasn’t about to scan several pages of people missing half their face to find out why. Tagging “ivfmale” onto the end made it clear why this person found me.

Cocker-teseIn my post The Cock-tese I talked about Bandit being half Cocker Spaniel and half Maltese. Then pointed out the adorable face and stated he was missing his momma since we just picked him up from the breeder.

Even while looking at the grotesqueness of people with only half a face, Bandit snatched them away to look at cute adorable puppy pictures!

Simply amazing.

Further down the list we have…

— male nut cursher

Quit being sexist. A female can cursh nuts as well as any male can. What is a nut cursher anyway?

— ivf “calling in sick”

Go right ahead.

— punishment needle
— i gave my wife a needle injection as afun

I bet you both have no problems procreating…but you still need to seek help!

— 4dp3dt and lots of cm

STOP! STOP! STOP! The ups and downs are bad enough from the doctor, quit adding to it. I understand if checking your cm now brings you comfort from doing it so often…but lay off googling about it. You can pee on a stick in a few more days. GOOD LUCK!

— male hospital exam funny stories

Have you heard the one about getting a testicle and prostate exam from a urologist while the wife watches?


© copyright 2011-2012

Half-baked Bandit

“Bandit! I need to talk to you about your addiction problem.”

What addiction problem?

“We need to talk about your addiction to grass.”

Are you serious?

“I am serious. I’m worried about what this addiction is doing to you.”

You’ve got no proof.
I’m taking a nap.

“Oh, but I do have proof. How do you explain this?”

I’m just laying in the grass.
No big deal.

“Okay, but what about a few seconds later?”

It got stuck on my chin.
Not my fault.

“What about this?”

Something smelled funny.
I was checking it out.

“And this?”

That’s just trick lighting effects.

“Quit denying your problem!”

What do you care?
A little grass never hurt anybody!
Some studies say it has positive effects.

“I’m not saying it will hurt you. Just that you might not like how you look when you’re on grass.”

What do you mean?
Hey! You can’t show that!

“I tried to warn you about your grass addiction.”

You can’t do this to me.
You’re ruining my life!

“No I’m not. Chicks love these photos.”

© copyright 2011-2012

Shooting the Bandit

Snoring on the center console.

“Is that comfortable Bandit?”

“You’re just too cute!!! Come here buddy.”

“I’ve got a puppy dog with FLUFFY FLOPPY EARS.”

“You don’t like me playing with your ears, but I can’t help it…they’re just soooo FFFFLUUUUFFFFFYYYY!”


Leave me alone!

“I’m sorry. I’ll let you sleep”

“Well that wasn’t long. You wanna play?”

“Grrrrrr, Hahaha.”

“OUCH! Hey, my fingers are not chew toys buddy.”

“OOOOOUCH! What? You need to go outside? Okay, let’s go outside.”

“Will you stop a minute? I need to put your leash on. Come here! Good boy!”

“Good job walking down the steps Bandit; you’re getting the hang of it.”

“Get busy.”

“Good boy! Here is your treat.”

It is a bird.
It is a plane.
It is Super Bandit.
Ignoring the fact he is lying in the grass.

“It’s Super Bandit!”

“Hold on…let me get a picture.”


“One more…oh you’re done playing Super Bandit.”

“I know! Let’s go this way. We can probably get some good pictures on the grassy hill.”


“Good boy.”



“Stay with me buddy.”

“This will be a good spot.”


“Perfect. One, two…” Click

Where is my treat?

“No buddy, you don’t get a treat yet.”

“Get back there. Sit! Stay!”

“Very Good.” Click

Oh Look.

“Ignore the crap Bandit.”

“Sit! Look over here.”


What’s that noise?

“Bandit. Look over here buddy.” Click

I really want that dogshit.

“BANDIT NO! Leave that alone!”

“Come back here.”

“Sit! Stay!” Click






“All gone! Now sit!”

“Stay.” Click


“I’m sorry I yelled at you buddy.”

“But you really must stop eating that. It’s gross and you’ll catch worms.”

“Come here Bandit. Yes. I love you buddy.”

“No, you’re not licking my face right now.”

“Let’s try again.”

“Sit! Stay!” Click

Where did the dogshit go?

“It’s all gone bud!”

“I’m starting to think this is a hopeless cause.”

“Last attempt and then we will go get something to eat…okay?”

“Love you too pups.”



Did you say food?


© copyright 2011-2012

Dear Ivfmale, Poetry

It’s Wednesday, so lets see what the search engine report has for me this week. Hmm, not much.

—my wife is not commited to ivf

Sounds like my ex-wife. She would be gung-ho about some together project in the beginning, and half way through it she would lose interest leaving me to finish the job. I imagine if I found out about my infertility back then, I would likely be in the situation you are right now. The ivf process is very hard on a woman’s body and emotional state. Pushing her into a decision she isn’t committed to will only backfire. The stimulation meds will guarantee this. Take time to build up your savings and see if she comes around.

—ivf with new puppy

Not sure what you are looking for here. I’ve found the new puppy to be a good distraction. He will keep you busy playing, peeing on the rug, chewing on things he shouldn’t, there is always something to do or watch for with a new puppy. Although it may complicate the already complicated schedule of stimulation drugs and doctor appointments, you will be thankful for the puppy’s ability to demand your attention.


That’s it? Maybe better luck next week. Anyway, I’m really excited my poem was reblogged by Barrenart yesterday. Check her blog out. I think this is a brilliant idea to have an Infertile Art Gallery of sorts. Since it’s a slow search week and I’m feeling inspired, I leave you another poem that I’ve been pondering…

Male Factor Condoms

By Matthew Wanner

Purchased in bulk.
Hating each one of you.
Protecting plans for the future.
Suffering Awkwardness

All for nothing.
Hating each one of you.
Avoided buying stereo.
Money flushed down toilet.

Crap! No refunds.

Happy Humpday!

© copyright 2011-2012

Heart Stealing Bandit


Heart Stealing Bandit escapes again!!!

Beware of this dangerous criminal. He is wanted for stealing the hearts of men, women and children. His weapons of choice…puppy dog eyes and fluffy floppy ears! Be on the lookout, or you may be his next victim. He has stolen the hearts of the kind elderly couple next door, and the parents of his owners hundreds of miles away. No one is safe!!!

He has been known to serenade the wives of other men. Sometimes he sings for them, other times he plays them the squeaky toy. All fall under his spell.

Wanted for several successful escapes from his enclosure while the owners are away at work, only to be found relaxing on the couch.

Caught chillin’ on the couch!!!

He knows all he must do is look into your eyes and he is off the hook. Being forgiven for the most nefarious offenses such as relieving himself indoors, chewing on the new couch, and gnawing on daddy’s sandals.

He tricks women into feeling sorry for him through daring actions, such as, jumping off the couch headfirst into the coffee table. Another common ploy is falling off bed/couch while sleeping. Do not be fooled by these attempts to open your heart!

He finds enjoyment helping his owners around the house by getting in their way. Your feet are not so you can walk, they exist only for him to curl up against while cleaning the toilet/washing dishes/making dinner.

Known for holding feet hostage!

He goes by the name “Bandit” and that tells you all you need to know. A few known aliases are “Stinker”, “Cutie Patootie”, “Sweetie” and “Pups”.

Please fill out this poll so we can monitor the danger to the public.

© copyright 2011-2012

The Cock-tese


Meet the newest member of the family. This little guy is half Cocker Spaniel and half Maltese and all cuteness. Just look at that face. He is missing his Momma and siblings at the moment.

We are trying to make him feel at home so the wife played some of her relaxation music and he fell fast asleep. Still trying to figure out what to name him. “Bandit” is the front runner at the moment. He is definitely bringing a smile to our faces. 😀

© copyright 2011-2012