I have dreamed a dream…

but now that dream is gone from me. – Morpheus

A Dream Lost

By Matthew Wanner

Oh how I have dreamed,
for years allowed to grow.
A face, a smile, a love,
that one day I would know.

Choices have been pondered,
to make this world your own.
The name, rules, and school,
to mold until you’ve grown.

Lessons carefully collected,
to help along the way.
Requirement that is no more,
on the shelf they’ll forever stay.

Facing challenges with earnest,
a journey filled with strife.
Hoping to grant one gift,
the precious gift of life.

Alas the battle was lost,
this dream must be set free.
Leaving me only to grieve,
the person you will never be.

Farewell my sweet dream,
for I can no longer view.
A new one must be found,
a dream without you.

© copyright 2011-2012

About ivfmale

Just a guy dealing with infertility.

Posted on September 17, 2012, in IVF progression, Poetry and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink. 35 Comments.

  1. I kept checking my feed to see your result and I’m so sorry to read this. You’re both still in my prayers today.

  2. I’m so sorry. So very sorry. Thinking of you guys and praying that you will find a way. Big hugs.

  3. It’s just not fair. I’m so sorry it didn’t work.

  4. Crying right now. Love You.

  5. I am so sorry!!!! I know how heart wrenching it is ((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))…grieving the loss will help you move on and make a plan for your next step

  6. So sorry to see this. You’ll be in my thoughts.

  7. I’m so very sorry to hear this yall are in my thoughts and prayers.

  8. This made me so sad. I was so sure it was going to work for you guys. I’ll be praying for you both.

  9. I’m sorry you got this news. My DH and I also have male factor infertility, but never underwent IVF. Please focus on all that is good in your life. I’m wishing that all which is good heads your way. We also live in Florida.

  10. My heart sunk when I saw this 😦 I’m incredibly sorry and saddened and I wish there were a way to the take the pain away. Big hugs to you both as you continue with strength and courage….it’s abundantly obvious you two have a ton of both of those qualities.

    • Thanks. It’s the grieving process with its ups and downs. You try to put on a brave face and soldier on…but sometimes you just stop and cry your eyes out. Then go look for puppies. 🙂

  11. I’m so sorry. There are no words…I’m thinking of you and your wife tonight.

  12. Oh man! I am so very sorry. Words can’t express. We have similiar shitty journeys. The unfairness of all of this is enough to go bat shit crazy.

    I read somewhere that there is no word for the loss of an idea of something that wasn’t. I know you loved those embryos from the second they were conceived and had hopes/dreams for them and your future.

    You will keep trucking along because you have to, not because you want to. I don’t know if I’m helping or making matters worse, but I just keep telling myself… This bullshit is not my ending. Thinking of you and your wife during this time. Should you or your wife ever need someone to talk to.. Feel free to reach out. Again, I am so very sorry.

    • Thank you for the kind words.

      It’s not about the loss of the embryos, although I do grieve them. The poem is really about the loss of the dream of having my child. With all my good and bad qualities that I can relate too. A dream that started when I was a child with all the ignorance a child has. “When my kids grow up they can eat ice cream whenever they want.” And it has grown and developed as I’ve matured, but it was always someone I could see a part of myself in them. Lessons I’ve collect to help them as they will likely have the same unique struggles I have, like I have many that my parents had. The poem is about letting go of that dream to allow for a new one. Maybe that is donor sperm, or adoption I don’t know yet. We have family that is willing to help us try another IVF attempt, so we may do that before going with a donor option depending on what the WTF visit tells us.

      So the poem is my way of grieving that dream allowing me to move on and decide on a fresh future without that loss holding me back.

      • This whole mess is a process. Eventually we all get to where we are going one way or another.

        I so badly wish I could go back to the days of not knowing this world. Ignorance truly was bliss.

        I’ll be sending good thoughts your way that this path forward, whatever you decide, is short, sweet, and gets the job done 🙂

  13. Hi there,

    I am new to your blog, found you through Belle. I really appreciate your blog for many reasons, but mostly because we have MFI too and we don’t talk about it much in our house. My husband doesn’t do feelings well (which is fine), but I sometimes wish I could know what he’s thinking, and how our IVF treatments affect him. He very willingly does my shots for me and tells me that the hormones aren’t affecting my mood (HA!), and stays so positive for me – but he doesn’t talk about how he feels about it. You provide a little window into what may be running through his mind, and for that, I’m very grateful. I told him I’m reading your blog and he said that’s a good thing – so what does that tell you? 😉

    I’m sure sorry to hear about your recent BFN. It sucks. We’ve been through it twice with a fresh cycle and an FET, and even though we have a baby now, I still cry when I think of our first IVF BFN because it was just the end of so many things for us – innocence, hope, optimism, etc. We can’t get those things back, which is OK, but difficult at times.

    Hang in there. I’m happy to have stumbled across your blog, but not happy to share this hell with someone new. I’ll be following along to see how you guys are doing (cute new puppy, by the way!).

    Give my best to your wife!

    • It means so much to me knowing how this blog is helping you understand a little of what your husband is feeling. I know it seems I’m very open, but really I am not. For some reason I can open up while writing in ways I never could while speaking. It allows me to take my time and word it properly without putting my foot in my mouth.

      I know what you mean about the first BFN. It sure does suck hope right out of you.

      Puppy is doing well. He helped me clean the bathrooms by keeping my feet warm. 🙂

  14. Thank you for being so candid, you have beautiful posts and your puppy is so cute. I also really appreciate the male point of view. I hope you and your wife are successful and have your own little person soon. Would you mind if I re-posted your poem on my blog? I’ve been looking for other infertile art and poetry to share.

  15. Reblogged this on barrenart and commented:
    OK, my first re-blog comes from IVF Male he’s got a wonderful blog about his infertility issues, it’s worth a read, it’s a new favorite of mine. Beautiful poem about an end to this particular dream. Thanks

  1. Pingback: Staring down the infertility train « IVF male

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