Demon Battles
On a beautiful Saturday afternoon, I was feeling pretty good. I’d just finished taking Bandit for a walk and the three of us were sitting on the couch enjoying a movie when my phone buzzed. The wife is the only person I text with on a regular basis, and since she was sitting next to me…I was curious who it was from. I picked up the phone and saw, “Text from +1 (555) 555-8203.” Okay the 5’s were really other numbers, but you get the point it was a completely strange number to me.
Me: “Babe, Do you recognize this number?”
Wife: “Uh, no”
Naturally I unlocked my phone and saw…
Not the actual photo.
At which point my Jealous Infertile Demon burst out of its cage and immediately started typing…
Thanks you jerk for reminding me I can’t have children and completely ruining my day by sending your baby picture to the wrong number!
Before he was able to hit “send” I managed to wrestle the phone away and quickly deleted the message. He was raging with fury and I knew I had to get this demon back in restraints before he hurt someone!
“Now look here JID, you’re not going to tell off some stranger for sending you a baby picture! They have no idea you’re infertile. They aren’t doing this to you on purpose. Get a grip!”
The Demon just stared me down. Seeing the wisdom, but he would not be appeased. In a flash the phone was snatched from my hands and he grunted, “Then they must be educated.”
Cute baby, but you should be more careful who you send these pictures too. I recently found out I won’t be able to have kids of my own and your mistake is causing me a lot of pain…
“NO!” I shouted in my head as we fought for control of the phone. “You’re not doing that either! It’s probably some grandparent happily sending photos to friends and sent it to you by mistake! These are your issues! There is no reason to make these folks feel bad over a simple mistake! Let them be happy…”
To my surprise the Demon was now cowering back in his cage. Swiftly I closed the door and set the latch. Then proceeded to erase what was written.
Exhausted by the struggle, the tears began to flow. I mustered my remaining courage and wrote…
Cute kid, wrong number
And pressed SEND.
Posted on October 26, 2012, in Purgatory and tagged demon, different forms of agony, infertility. Bookmark the permalink. 20 Comments.
IVF male 
“exhausted by the struggle, the tears began to flow”. That line breaks my heart. I hate that random people doing random things can put us in such a state.
It was a relaxing day too. I’d just finished my Bandit post feeling really good about it and BAM! Day went straight in the toilet.
What are the odds of someone sending that picture? It’s crazy. I swear it’s like I attract babies and pregnant woman. Just the other day my husband and I were out to dinner. I make a wise crack something like “all these damn fertiles” and surer than sh&# a pregnant woman gets sat in the booth next to us! Luckily I could laugh that one off but typically I feel how you did. It’s painful and it sucks.
I know right! Of all the random pictures to receive it just had to be a baby one. Can’t even enjoy TV anymore. Sit down to watch Mike & Molly, oh look they’re trying for a baby. F$@# ME!
“exhausted by the struggle, the tears began to flow” – breaks my heart, too, but I know all too well what you mean. I’m proud of you for not sending the harsh messages hard as it is to not lash out on others good fortune.
I’ve accepted the demon is a part of me now. We’ve agreed he is allow to go bonkers as long as no one innocent is affected. Had it been from an acquaintance that knew about my situation…I’m not sure I would have been able to hold back. I would hope so, but who knows.
Moments like this can ruin even the best days – all in an instant. I admire your self-restraint as that is just sometimes hard to do (I could not restrain myself just a few months ago when an idiot friend said something terribly insensitive).
I love how you share your thoughts so openly. Thank you for doing so!
The fact I was dealing with a complete stranger helped a lot. Had this been a friend who knew my situation…I probably would have let loose for not asking me first if I wanted to see the new baby before sending the photo.
First time on your blog–hi!
I admire you for wrestling the demon to submission. I don’t know if I would have been that strong. The baby is so darn cute it’s killing me! Agh.
Hello. Thank you for visiting.
Being a cute baby made the situation even worse. I asked my wife if she knew the number because my first thought was someone is screwing with me.
Being supersensitive to things leaves one feeling so vulnerable. The notion of sending baby pictures is so innocent and happens so often every day, hundreds of times. But for people who feel cheated by not being able to send their own piccies, it brings deep unhappiness instead of the joy that was intended. I am sorry this accidental message left you feeling so sad and I am really impressed at your strength in dealing wth it.
The instinct to procreate and produce offspring runs so deep in the human psyche, it is natural for infertiles to be jealous of those who can without issue. I shared this story to show that I’ve accepted this demon as part of my life now. But that doesn’t mean I can’t try to control it.
To hopefully help others dealing with similar issues battle their own demons.
I can see how horrible this would be for you. But the baby in the picture looks loved and this is what we need to remember. My demon comes out when people who have children don’t realise what a gift they are…I’m sure this is something that evokes your demon to the max…
Absolutely agree on both counts. Realizing this child was loved and whomever sent it was doing it from happiness helped calm the storm.
No doubt my cage is rattled when parents don’t appreciate the gift of their children. I know it’s hard work and I’m naive to think I know just how hard it really is. But I’d give anything to find out for myself.
Well the kid is just a little cute, not like super cute though. I’m so impressed with your ability to express this struggle. Props to you.
Yeah, today’s my day off and there’s a brand new commercial on. . . Whenever a baby is born, a mom is born. . . wtf, and do you need to play it at every commercial break? Yeah, it’s before 10 and I’ve already cried.
I understand the demon! There are also weeks that I can’t do facebook at all. . . Feeling your pain man. . . and I’m glad you feel it too. When someone texts me with their baby’s picture and I cry, or facebook, etc, my husband still yells at me for being pissed off, angry, and crying. I think he’s yelling at the demon and not me, but it makes me mad that he’s not mad. . . hang in there.
I definitely know that ache. It is so hard sometimes when you feel like everyone around you, even strangers, is getting everything you want and can’t have. I have been dealing recently with a family member who is a drug addict and is in the process of losing their children. It kills me that they were able to have kids and I wasn’t. Absolutely kills me. And I’m sorry anyone else should ever have to feel that pain.
That said… I just want to say as kindly as possible that it probably is not OK to put a picture of this strangers baby on your blog. I know they sent it to you, but as you realize – it was likely an accident. There are many people who would likely be horrified to find their child’s picture on a public blog of someone they don’t know. I know the instinct is there to say “screw them – that’s what they get for being so careless in who they sent it to” (trust me, I have had that same instinct many times over a variety of things), but… sharing it here really isn’t appropriate in the grand scheme of things. I hope that doesn’t come off horribly or judgmental, I just know that if it were a picture of a child I loved – I would not want it on a strangers blog.
I’ve been reading your story and completely understand the suffering you’re going through. It’s hard watching family members undervalue their children when we would give anything to have what they have.
And thank you for pointing out the lapse in judgement on my part. Seriously. It was in no way any instinct to say “screw them” as I hope my story demonstrates, it is not in my nature to do that. The picture was an integral part of the story to show how a baby picture just popped up on my phone and it wasn’t a motorcycle or puppy dog. I tried writing it without the picture and the post just didn’t have the same impact. My experience has been that new parents hand out baby photos like candy and post them on facebook all the time. I for one wouldn’t care about a child of mine being posted on a strangers blog as long as they were not making fun of my child, which I felt I wasn’t. I was simply using it to highlight my own faults and how I struggle to control them.
I should have realized that others may feel differently about their baby pictures and really any baby photo will do. For now I’ll change it to a photo from another baby photo’s blog you can easily find using an image search.
It’s still a stranger’s baby photo. but at least it’s clearly marked as not being the actual photo…and I wasn’t the one to put it out on the Internet.
It’s amazing how the littlest thing can just floor you when we are at our most vulnerable… It doesn’t make it hurt any less knowing it was a mistake… I think you did an amazing job at taming the demon… On occasion I haven’t been so successful… Although my response wasn’t directed at anyone in particular… Just alone in a room venting at my myself…. :-, well done for not letting him win… x
If this had been a mistake from someone who knew my situation, I’m not sure I could have been successful controlling it. But we all have demons we must try to contain. Feeling guilty because they sometimes win only gives them more power. The only way I’ve found to control my demon is to first accept him.